What Do I Feel
I spend a lot of time in therapy. I have been in therapy off and on for ten years.
This new therapist though, he’s something else. For the first time in my life, he has pointed out to me that I don’t know how to identify feelings.
Sounds silly, right? But it’s true. I don’t know how to tell if I’m sad or angry or jealous. I feel “umcomfortable” or I’m fine. So here I am, feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, like I’ve ruined the one good thing life has ever brought me and I’m wondering, what do I feel?
I think I feel a little bit of anger. Anger at the life that has turned me into this person that I haven’t learned yet how to control. Angry that I can’t get people to accept that I am trying my best. Or that, even if they can accept it, they still aren’t willing to allow it.
I feel disappointment. Disappointment at another chance gone. Another life ruined. Another bridge burned. Disappointment that a three year difference doesn’t effectively change how you handle terrible situations.
But there is something else here, and I’m not sure how to describe it, or what it is. I feel like my head might cave in, and I might collapse. I feel like I may scream. It feels like cancer. I can feel it in my toes, ribs, thighs, shoulder blades, neck. But I’m not really sure what it is. It just feels uncomfortable.
I feel like I might rip myself to pieces, or stop eating forever. I feel like I could destroy the world, or just myself. I feel like there is no point in trying, because the good as gone.