Where we wrong ourselves
On perception and the human condition
There is so much brokenness and pain in me that I want to be heard, but first I feel like I need to explain the difference in perception and reality as it pertains to my writing.

Everything I write is my perception, and the reason I write is because while my perception is my reality, it is not THE reality. I write it down because it helps you see how I feel and it helps me to see where my paranoia and lack of trust have distorted people’s intentions. I also believe it helps you to see how I believe other people who suffer from paranoia and anxiety feel, and there are more of us than you might know. While the actions in my stories are accurate to the best of my ability, my perceptions are crafted in a way to help you understand what it is like inside the mind of a person who is unable to consistently separate paranoia and phobias borne of past trauma from reality. I feel that it is important to share this perspective because while it is undoubted that your perception is not reality, understanding that people are living in different realities is a very important factor in the human condition. You have to work with what people believe to be true.
I am at the beginning of a PTSD episode, I know I am but we’re been arguing and I don’t have time to fail. I am in the floor, digging through something, papers was it? Keys? I don’t recall. He towers over me. “Stop.” I murmur fanatically as I continue moving the items in front of me around as if the thing I seek will suddenly appear with merely more effort, “stop, go take your medicine. You’re freaking out.” “No, I just need to find this.” He reaches down and grabs my arm. “Come take your medicine.” I lunge away and go to another room. Standing up on the sofa for a better vantage point. Things escalate at this point and our voices as raised. His younger brother appears as he and I are face-to-face. His brother towers us both, the build of a fit football player with none of the discipline. I yield, running back to my room. I am followed again, little brother in tow, “Darci, go take your medicine.” “No, I’m going to sleep. I’ll stop.” He continues to demand. Eventually we are yelling again. The brother approaches and I flee into the yard.
In my perception of this moment, I felt like these men were threatening me and trying to drug me to prevent me from being expressive. I felt trapped, vulnerable, hopeless. My feelings are real, the actions taken are real, but there are many sides to each story. I never doubted that both of those men thought they were helping, and the little brother certainly was. However, neither approached the situation with my reality in mind, granted that is not their job. We are not required to be considerate of each other. We can fight and argue and disagree all day; but if we’re going to get something done, if we’re going to heal wounds and end stigmas, we all need to remember that perception does not change reality, but everyone does have their own reality, and they are living, acting based on what they perceive.
We have many sayings that attempt to express this idea, “put yourself in their shoes,” “look at things from my angle,” “you’ve got to see where I’m coming from,” we have all these phrases and more to remind us that we need to work with people based on the reality they live in, and yet, most of us never do. It is as if the expressions themselves have wiped out the meaning of the words. These phrases hold no weight in our society of constant information, we think we must know people because historically with this much data, we should have. But no matter how much I write to you, no matter how many pictures of me you see, no matter how often you see me in public or stories you hear, no matter how many mutual friends we have, you will not be able to truly know what another person feels, but we can sure as hell try.
