Moving to Granada, Spain from Russia.
I’ll find paradise on Earth.
Just when you get used to one place you have to move to another. However, before you’ll read a “happy end” with “everything was awesome” story, I would like to add some reality to it.
Not many people could call me a coward, especially when it is related to starting something new or moving forward, opposite — I was called brave and sometimes a “woman with balls”. But, you know, I am freaking scared.
The suspense is killing me, when I do not know what is ahead of me I start to have million of thoughts with “what if”. It is this kind of feeling when you know what you are doing but you do not realize why and how. One friend of mine told me that we have to see ourselves in 5 or 10 years in order to get what we want. I don’t see myself. And I am jealous of people who do. Pretty often we faced these questions or tests when you need to tell “who are you in 5 years” in order to define whether you are a goal oriented person. Hoe does it work in reality? There is a guy 18 yo or 20 yo, who is telling everyone, how he sees himself in the future and then we find the same guy being 30–40 yo and he actually became, who he wanted to be. I haven’t met these people. Maybe only actors and artists from the very beginning of their conscious life know exactly what they want. But what to do to those, who weren’t born so talented and can do a little bit of everything? How to make this important choice in your life and just stick to it for the rest of your life? In my opinion, it is too serious decision to make being in my early twenties…
Then there is question, what do I propose with my story: looking for “yourself” till the rest of your days? No, but I am pretty sure that nowadays young people do not spend enough time to find what they like to do, or what they are good at. They simply point into something their parents want them to do or they think will bring a lot of money. However, after some time they realize that it is already too late to change anything, and maybe what they have chosen isn’t that bad after all, it is OK.
Why am I saying all of that. I moved to another country to study when I was only 18 years old, it wasn’t my choice, my parents did it for me. (I don’t blame them, I don’t think I could make a better one). Right now I am on a plane, flying to Barcelona, after that I’ll fly to Malaga, and from there to Granada, where I am supposed to start my new independent life. And it is hard. It is hard to realize that here you are again… Alone. That again you need to look for friends, job, housing and so on. It scares me. What if you fail and everything you have planned was just a waste of time and money.. And the better choice was to go to Masters somewhere and study at least something as other people do… I have “ifs” and I am afraid. I already had these emotional moments when I wanted to cancel my flights and I got sick because of stress. However, there is something that keeps me going — it is the faith of my friends in me. When I am going crazy because of fear, I know that there are people close to me who believes in me and then I can not think otherwise myself. I know that when they ask me to stay with them, they want to show how much they love you. Who know, maybe if I wouldn’t need to leave that often I wouldn’t have so many good friends supporting me right now. And at the end of the day you realize that even though it is incredibly hard, you have a place and the most important people, who are waiting for you, no matter what.
Who knows, maybe one day this story will have a happy ending as well, but right now I can only say about the beginning of it. And you know what, it is not that bad, when you feel all love and support of the closest ones.
That’s the beginning of my hardest and, as parents say, the most interesting period of my life — New life of Daria, or How to live in Europe by Dasha.