I hate to admit it but I have been battling with an eating disorder for 19 years. That’s half my life. I took a hiatus while I was pregnant with my son who is now 15. I have been in recovery for 3 years but I didn’t realize how hard it would actually be to recover from Anorexia. Sure, I’ve been at a healthy weight for more than 5 years now but I still skip meals and restrict lots so I’m STILL in recovery. I go to retreats at an outpatient center every few months and while I’m there and for a few weeks once I get home I’m good. I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day but then after about a month home I slip back into my old routines and start skipping meals and cut out the snacking. I’m forever in recovery as I call it. I can’t seem to move past the recovery stage. I know I need to but I think I like the security of my eating disorder. I hate to admit but I think thats why I’m not getting any better.
I don’t think people realize how hard it is for people like me when they say things like “why don’t you just eat?” I wish it were that simple. The thing is to someone like me food is the enemy. I have to self-talk myself every time I eat something. It might just be a candy which doesn’t even have many calories at all but I still have to self-talk myself into having that piece of candy. It’s the joys of living with the voice of “ED” for so long. For those who are wondering who “ED” is he is my eating disorder. I named it ED because this way it was a concrete thing I could actually say NO to ED every time he said I couldn’t eat this or I couldn’t eat that.