Apply the Law of Polarity to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence and Sex-Life
Let’s start by getting a bit personal: Think of your last sexual partner. If for any reason you find this difficult or uncomfortable, simply pick a person you were physically attracted to at some point in your life.
Got one? Good! Now ask yourself: What did you find attractive about that person? Think about it for a second…
Odds are you were attracted to some fairly superficial traits such as their physical appearance or their social status. Although we sometimes try to deny our attraction to these rather worldly traits, it is totally natural.
However, if you spent more than just one night with the person, you will probably be able to save your honor and come up with some attractive character traits as well. Examples may include their intelligence, humor, authenticity, empathy and maybe even their wickedness or intensity.
The special something in attraction
Interestingly though, while some of the attraction to your person will definitely fit into one or both of the above categories, another part of the attraction you felt towards them may not quite belong to either of them. In fact, it may even be a person whom you found neither particularly hot nor especially likable — yet they had a special something. On the contrary, you may find that you know people who seem to fulfill all your apparent criteria of attraction, yet you just never felt particularly attracted to them.
Similarly, in other domains of our life, we often feel a strange kind of attraction, that we can’t quite explain. There seems to be some weird force from our subconscious, which pulls us towards certain people, places or situations that might not even be our “kind of thing” or make sense from a rational perspective.
In this article, I want to shed some light on one of the most important, yet also most overlooked, forces driving attraction: polarity.
Polarity is an incredibly powerful law that strongly affects our subconscious desires and needs. Understanding and applying polarity allows us to create a happier and more harmonious life for us and the people around us.
Now, I’m more a fan of practical advice than mere intellectual entertainment. Before we get down to the business of life-improving, though, it is important to understand how polarity actually affects us. So bear with me for a minute to cover the basics.
The natural law of polarity
The law of polarity is rooted in the concept of dualism, one of the most famous symbols of which is yin and yang. The symbol from ancient Chinese philosophy depicts the complementary nature of two seemingly opposite forces — like light and dark, heat and cold or masculine and feminine. This means not only that one of these forces cannot exist without the other, but also that a union between both is necessary to achieve balance.
Polarity is a fundamental law of nature that has applications in many different domains, the most prominent of which are scientific (e.g. electricity or magnetism). Polarity always involves a flow based on attraction between two oppositely charged poles — the magnetic force of attraction between the north and south poles of a magnet for instance. When we look at polarity in humanities, the most important representation is sexual polarity. Sexual polarity deals with the duality of masculine and feminine energy and the force of attraction that flows between the two.
Masculine ≠ male and feminine ≠ female
Although this polarity between masculine and feminine appears obvious in the context of sexual attraction and intimate relationships, it, in fact, impacts our lives on a much more profound and holistic level than might initially seem apparent.
To understand the effects of sexual polarity, it is important to know that masculine and feminine are not merely synonyms for male or female, but rather universal forces that actually reach far beyond the realm of sexual attraction and intimate relationships.
The masculine
The masculine seeks freedom and strives for a release from life’s constraints. To achieve this freedom, masculine energy is directional and focused on mission achievement. The masculine wants to thrust itself into the world to give its gifts and feel a sense of peaceful emptiness. Thus, it fundamentally strives to feel less and is more identified with consciousness than sensual experience.
The feminine
The feminine seeks love and strives for filling itself up with as much energy and life as possible. Feminine energy attracts love through its beauty and free-flowing, nurturing and open nature. Its goal is to experience a sense of fullness and radiance. Thus, it fundamentally strives to feel more and is more identified with sensual experience than consciousness.
Everything contains both masculine and feminine energy
Every human being — no matter their gender or sexual orientation — possesses both masculine and feminine characteristics. The natural distribution of these energies within us determines what is referred to as our “sexual essence”. It is the spot anywhere on a spectrum between strong masculine and strong feminine that we naturally feel most comfortable with.
Statistically, the majority of men and women have a sexual essence that is in line with their biological gender (i.e. strongly or predominantly masculine/feminine). Nevertheless, some of us have a more neutral sexual essence or one that is more in line with the opposite biological sex.
The two fundamental energies can not only be found in people, however, but also in cultures, leadership styles and places. New York City, for instance, is a city with predominantly masculine energy (directionality, purpose, etc.), whereas a place like Hawaii has more of a feminine vibe (flow, abundance, etc.).
In fact, just like other fundamental dualities such as heat/cold or light/dark, the masculine/feminine duality can be found in virtually anything in life. This means that everything in life has a certain energy charge somewhere on a spectrum between strong masculine and strong feminine.
Polarity works to make us happier
Although we might not be consciously aware of most of the constant energetic influences of the world around us, we do subconsciously perceive those energies. Through the dynamics of the law of polarity, our subconscious attracts us to those people, places, cultures, jobs, or situations which allow us to live a life that reflects our sexual essence.
Often, this means an intuitive attraction towards representations of our sexual energy reciprocal — especially in intimate relationships. When acting as our energetic counterpart, our intimate partners complement our energy and thus allow us to relax into our own sexual essence. The resulting balance between yin (feminine) and yang (masculine) is what leads to a complete relationship.
However, not every aspect of our lives can be an accurate representation of our sexual essence. In some situations, we play roles, that necessitate a more masculine or feminine behavior. Be aware that this is completely natural and only makes life more interesting.
What matters, in the end, is more the energetic balance of our lives. The aggregate energy charge from all life aspects should resemble our sexual essence for us to feel truly fulfilled.
How applying polarity can improve your life
So what’s the purpose of understanding all this subconscious mess? Now that you’ve made it through all the tedious theory, let’s cut to the chase and look at how you can leverage this in your life. Here are three ways in which an awareness of the masculine/feminine duality and the law of polarity can help you to actually live a better life:
1. Live more authentically
As mentioned above, each of us has a unique sexual essence that we are born with as much as our hair color. Although you might have a pretty good idea of whether yours is predominantly masculine, feminine or rather neutral, taking a closer look is well worth the effort. It might turn out that your natural hair color is actually quite different from your current one.
In a first step, you can simply take an online test, which will give you an idea of where on the spectrum you are currently located. Although those tests are a great indicator, keep in mind that they measure your current habit patterns, which might not reflect your actual essence. In fact, you have almost certainly learned to repress or magnify either one of your inner energies in an effort to fit in while growing up.
Taking off the masks we have put on to be loved at home, in school or with our peers means acknowledging our thoughts, feelings, and desires instead of suppressing them. This is especially difficult for the darker masculine or feminine desires, as they are often associated with tremendous shame.
I know going down into the shame cave ain’t particularly pleasant — but it’s the only way. Because although embracing your sexual essence may be a painful process, it is also a fundamental part of leading an authentic, happy and fulfilled life.
2. Improve your relationships
An increased sense of self-awareness will significantly enhance your emotional intelligence and thereby also improve your relationships. Truly understanding the fundamental duality, though, will also have a much more direct effect on your relationships: an increased capacity for empathy.
The combination of knowledge about somebody’s sexual essence and about the fundamental desires and motivations behind masculine and feminine energy makes a very powerful tool to understand the behavior of the people around you. After all, like ourselves, everybody in our lives has a sexual essence somewhere between the two poles. Funnily enough, it is usually easier for us to figure out the people around us than to figure out ourselves.
You might, for instance, frequently get pissed at your friend who is never on time. By becoming more aware of your friend’s feminine essence, you may begin to realize that their lack of punctuality is not really an act of disrespect toward you. Feminine people simply tend to be more flowing natures and consequently often have a looser interpretation of commitments than more masculine people do. An awareness of the masculine/feminine duality may, thus, help you to accept this as part of their personality instead of taking things personally in such situations.
You can use this in all of your relationships, whether they are family, work, intimate or something else — as long as the relationship involves you and another human being, these forces will apply. Theoretically, it should even work with dogs — no guarantees though.
The point is that with a bit of practice, you will quickly be able to notice behavioral patterns and link them to underlying desires. In other words, you increase social awareness and your capacity for empathy. This will allow you to act more emotionally intelligent in virtually all of your relationships.
3. Cultivate sexual attraction in intimate relationships
3.1 Increase sexual attraction
Finally, let’s go back to where we started: between the sheets. As described above, sexual polarity flows between the poles of masculine and feminine. In fact, the further apart the energies are on the spectrum, the stronger the sexual attraction usually is.
Although we tend to choose partners who represent our energy reciprocal, we are nevertheless fascinated by the poles. Most people with predominantly masculine/feminine essences fantasize about exploring the more polar ends of the spectrum. Don’t be ashamed of this desire — odds are your partner feels the same way. In fact, you can actually leverage it together.
This doesn’t mean that you have to go straight to caveman-style or the discovery channel. Your partner will sense when you are faking it (pun intended). Just take it easy and explore what happens when you lean slightly out of your comfort zone. Baby steps…
The cool thing is that you can use this selectively. While you might not want crazy amounts of sexual vibes at lunch with your parents-in-law, tapping into your more polar spheres might be a good idea to spice up a date or a weekend trip to a spa-resort.
3.2 Maintain sexual attraction
Being aware of polarity can also help counteract the diminishing sexual attraction in long-term relationships. While part of this occurs naturally, as the newness and excitement subside, another reason may be a subtle depolarization.
Depolarization often occurs when the polarity which initially existed between two partners seems to wear off. Their sexual energies tend to rub off on each other and as a result both assume increasingly neutral roles in the relationship. As they move closer together on the spectrum between masculine and feminine, the sexual polarity between them decreases.
To maintain a strong sexual polarity between long-term partners, it is usually necessary to make an active and conscious effort to again shift the roles further apart. Each of the partners may consider actively cultivating their respective predominant sexual energy, which can be done both inside (see above) and outside of the bedroom.
Whatever helps the masculine partner to relax more into their masculinity and the feminine partner to relax into their femininity will do. A very cliché example would be hiring a babysitter to allow for the masculine partner to again pick up martial arts and for the feminine partner to start hanging out with their girlfriends twice a week. Please excuse the lack of originality — COVID-quarantine seems to cloud my creative spirits…
If you want to go deeper…
Finally, let me stress that there are certainly many other factors beyond polarity which influence our degree of attraction on a subconscious level. Yet, the strong influence of polarity in our everyday life still can’t be neglected. Considering this, it seems weird that polarity is a concept that many — including me until fairly recently — are only superficially familiar with in western society.
My goal with this article was merely to spark your interest. For the sake of brevity, I tried to cover only what I thought are the most important points. However, there is much more to be said about this topic and if you want to dive deeper, I highly suggest you check out the work of David Deida. His books contain loads of wisdom and practical advice related to the masculine/feminine duality.
Thank you for reading
Originally published on The Mindful Millennial on March 31, 2020.