I couldn’t care MORE about what people think of me

I used to think I couldn’t care less. I mean I dress like crap. I wear socks in sandals. I buy pants based on the amount of pockets they have and I do it only when I find holes in the old ones. But does it have anything to do with caring about what people think of me? Yep, it’s one of the many aspects of it — no more, no less.

I’m an introverted guy. I feel awkward in most social situations and I avoid interacting with people. Some of you might immediately think “duh, of course you care too much about what people think”. But it doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels like there’s simply resistance and awkwardness and maybe something more. But I’m a tough guy, I don’t give a shit what others think! WRONG!

So I went to this meetup (I’ve been going to talks/workshops that focus on improving social skills recently). I didn’t read the description properly this time though and well… I wasn’t expecting THAT. I managed to not run away (because I can be overly polite) but guess what I was thinking about the whole time? How I look. I mean, how stupid I look. I feel like some lunatic hippie! I can’t possibly be doing that! Wait for it… Everyone must think I’m an idiot! Everyone must be laughing at me!

What’s even more ridiculous is that not many outsiders actually saw us. And certainly there was not a single person I know. I was worried that the people doing exactly the same thing (and coming to the meeting intentionally) would judge me! Wait, does that count as caring about what people think? Oh well. By the end of the meeting I actually started to feel very grateful for doing it as it helped me fight my teenage-phase complexes. Now that I became aware of these thoughts, I can easily not have them anymore. Or can I?..

The next day our photos appeared on facebook with me tagged (obviously I was aware of pictures being taken and was informed they will be used to advertize the future meetings). But that doesn’t imply TAGGED ON FACEBOOK. I flipped again. I removed the tags and felt so grateful that facebook had this functionality.

What’s wrong with you man? Is that how you’re gonna become super social, open, honest, unrestrained, unrestricted and ultimately free? Sadly even after this rant to myself, I would rather not have these photos visible to all my contacts without context. I can’t even honestly say I’m comfortable posting them here. So much for not caring about what people think.

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By the way, I’m Darius and I’m changing.