Being 22.

As life goes on, i barely realized that i’m already 22 years old. This is the age that they said, “you would find your true self.” The age when the world greets you with it’s real face, the age when idealism slowly fades as reality kicks in.

I’ve learned a lot from my past experiences about what life is, even though i’m still figuring what it is about really. I learned on how to be good, how to look good, how to be useful in this abstract society. I don’t read books about how to do things, but i learned from what went through for the past 22 years. Heartbreaks, hate, love, grace, peace, greed, gratitude, everything.

I’ve been playing the antagonist part in my own story. In a hypothetical world when I am the only real human being, when everything is just a not living organisms, when I feel they only live when they’re near me, i’ve been the bad guy and i just realized this past year. There’s a lot of struggles when i try to learn on how to live this life. When i don’t have any role models to look up to or good examples to see with my own eyes, I learn by sorting feelings and deeds to it’s correct places.

I’m gonna take a look back to my 20–21st age. That’s the time when things started to get more real and serious, less fun.

When i had my breakdown back then, i had no one to talk to, no money to get a professional help, and my family doesn’t give a single attention to me. So what i did was trying to solve my problems rationally. I try to avoid harsh thinking and reckless decisions even though the demeanor to do awful things are creeping on me. I tried to calm my nerves. I think a lot about what i did, what others did, why i did things, why others did things, until i reach the point when all i had to did was to understand more.

What happened to me probably happened to you too. Different experiences among others could lead to the same identical feelings. When i knew that i try to understand.

When i really want to talk and open myself but no one’s there, i understand. When i have to spend my nights and weekends alone because my friends are too busy, i understand. So with those kind of experiences i’m starting to understand. I knew that i just had to understand more because in a nutshell, everything works like a ferris wheel and you’re not the one who controlled it, you’re inside of it.

And i don’t know if there’s any other option to make this world well besides trying to understand how this world works and try to seize the day. We just got a one way ticket for this ride. You can redo things but you can’t undo things. So embrace this life you’re living, make it better each and every single day and don’t waste your time for things doesn’t worth your time.