Desperation

Last Thursday, I desired so badly to find the answers to the unanswerable. I called my psychiatrist and promptly rushed over to meet him.

I wanted an answer to ‘What is the meaning of life?’ I wanted a solution, relief from what I had been feeling. An immense sadness that culminates in breakdowns at night, before I sleep. I was given an injection and my dosage tripled. I was also told that people often go through their lives never thinking about or questioning their existence, that they are content simply existing. And that there was no answer to the aforementioned question.

I honestly wanted to die right there and then. I don’t understand how people can function living in ignorance, I don’t understand what kind of sick joke existence is. I broke down again upon realising how damaged I was, how crippled I felt and how there was seemingly no solution to my problems.

Despite all that, the next morning, the medicine had kicked in and I felt amazing. I can’t describe this clarity of thought and as I would call it ‘brainlessness’. I simply didn’t give a shit towards why I existed, but instead was focused on what I can do to make my existence better.

But that wasn’t an absolute. Deep down, as if being suppressed by something, I still wanted an answer, a solution to this troubling question I had. But being so happy that I finally had relief after so long, I distracted myself from those thoughts. Perhaps this is because deep down I knew that even with this ‘new’ mind of mine, I still wasn’t able to answer that question.

I have to unfortunately say that the effects of the medicine are starting to wear off. This morning, I had a glimpse of what it had been to be depressed again. I realise now that I am merely fighting the inevitable. Perhaps it is inevitable for me to be driven insane, that I am the result of the insanity that followed before me. The gene pool must be purified.

I just want to close off with something deeply personal that I’ve felt for some time now — regardless of what I will or will not do in the future, no one is at fault, not even myself. I am merely a consequence of a fair world — the fairest in fact. I will die in peace knowing that the illusion of choice is given to everyone, when in actuality everyone’s history has already been decided. Cause and effect extends towards the entirety of humanity, and we only fail to recognise that because of our tiny minds. We are given and burdened with the gift of thought. We are nothing but the product of a world written with incomprehensible laws of existence.

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