To my friends: I’m sorry

The only constant element in our lives is change. This was something I had learned when I was struggling with the person I was becoming in 2014.

I’ve never been more introspective in my life ever since ‘overcoming’ depression in late 2013. Being so aware of my decisions has allowed me to transform and shape myself into the person I want to be. ‘Going through this crucible was arguably the best thing that has happened to me, ironically.’ This was a line I have used time and time again, and perhaps I really did once meant it.

Times have been trialling recently, and I’m no longer going to sugar coat how I feel. I never really did overcome my depression. My depression is here to stay, and I really can’t accept that.

On the days where I actually feel ‘fine’, I really wonder if that’s just something I tell myself so that I don’t let everything collapse and break down again. Because I know what rock bottom feels like, I’ll do anything to avoid it, even if that means lying to myself and those around me. My mask is to protect myself from getting hurt.

A friend of mine once used a powerful analogy to describe what living is. Everyone has a box that they have to fill. Lets say that you suffer from ADHD — it can be argued that your fulfilment in life will be lesser than that of someone who does not have ADHD. Your box will hence be smaller than said person’s box.

In order to live a fulfilling life, you have to fill your box as much as you can, and the size of your box is dependant on a lot on a lot of factors. They range from predisposition(skin colour, looks, family background) to consequences(trauma from war, abuse).

I want to fill my box. I want nothing more than to live a great life — even if it is arguably meaningless at the end of the road. But I gripe with the fact that my peak will be just being ‘fine’. That I will never be able to really FEEL that happiness people describe to me, that happiness that I see going about.

I feel exceptionally cold and jaded, truth be told. The amount of intrusive thoughts that I have are overwhelming sometimes. I resent so many people, I HATE what they have that I can’t. I want to push everyone away from me.

Over the past few months, I have grown strangely accepting of loneliness and quiet. My mind is acclimating to depression. I’m not sure if this is a positive thing but I’m in for the ride temporarily. My very foundations, of friends, of necessity and of myself have been broken after all.

I have dulled my mind for the past few weeks by distracting myself from my thoughts. Because I know that this is a trap, this is something that cannot be rationalized. I feel infinitely frustrated at the fact that I can’t process this.

The secret of happiness is acceptance, friends. Don’t apologize for what you have been given by bitter life, don’t be sorry for your past. Accept who you are and what you’ve become, and you will be happy.

But I will never be happy, because I cannot accept myself.

So, to my friends: I’m sorry. I’m sorry that the person you’ve grown to know has changed again. I’m sorry that I allowed myself to become weak again. I’m sorry this means a shift in our relationships, of my view of you and you of me.

And I am so, so sorry this means that I am leaving you behind me.

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