Growing up gay in Poland
The challenges of growing up gay in different countries….
In my series of interviews on how gay guys grew up all over the world, I chatted with Patryk, a 43 year old about growing up gay in Poland.
Where did you grow up?
I grew up in Poland, in the lake district surrounded by nature and lakes. Not much went on, it was back in the communist era, we were kind of separated from Western culture and all the social change that was taking place in the West in the 70s and 80s. We remained under a great influence from communist Russia and its leaders.
After the return to democracy which happened at the beginning of the Nineties, when I was 16, I moved to rural Wisconsin (USA) to finish my High School there. Surprisingly, apart from the language, everything else (the attitudes, the values and the views) was pretty similar to what I left behind in Poland.
Upon finishing my Wisconsin High School I came back to Poland.
How easy was it to be gay in the place you grew up? Is there a gay scene?
Until I was a teenager I was not even aware that there were gay people in the world — I mean we did hear about some ‘weirdos’ who had sex with other men but those were referred to as ‘perverts’ and we were told to be scared and disapproving of them.
The concept of ‘LGBT’ was not present in the media, in our schools, in family talks, it simply was not. So you can imagine how strange and bizarre it felt when you found yourself having all those ‘bizarre feelings’ at puberty.
On the top of being gay I was also a fat kid — therefore forever ridiculed and tormented at school. All that led to the fact that I have absolutely zero recollection of my life between, let’s say 11, all the way until 15 when I changed schools and life became slightly better and more acceptable.
I have some snippets of memories of my family life in the ‘blackout period’, incidental memories of happy moments but as far as school and friendships are concerned I remember nothing and nobody. I guess I could work on that and revive those memories but I see no point in dwelling in the period of my life that was not all that happy!
When I changed schools at 14/15 and started studying at a private and somewhat more progressive institution it got easier for me. We knew we had gay teachers there but still there was zero talk of anything LGBT or what it meant to be gay or about gay people and culture in general.
There was also not much gay scene where I grew up; it was a town of roughly 100,000 inhabitants, not much going on. Plus, it was way before the internet and e-communication so all one could rely on was your friends and general media.
Growing up as a gay kid in a nutshell was hell. Upon moving to rural Wisconsin it did not get much better, the only blessing was that there were many more fat kids in my American school, so I was not the only one subject to ridicule.
What are the laws on LGBTQ people in your country, e.g. age of consent, same sex marriage etc?
I currently live in Switzerland but I still have my Polish passport and all my family lives in Poland. I also have an apartment in Warsaw and spend a lot of time there so I will focus on Poland here. Poland is one of the most homophobic places in Europe.
Me and my partner of 22 years got married some time ago in London and from the perspective of most European countries we are a married couple. Yet in my native Poland I am still single and can easily get married to any woman I choose. There are no laws in Poland that recognise the basic human rights of a gay person that remains in any sort of a long term relationship.
You can live with someone for a 100 years and your partner according to the Polish letter of law remains a complete stranger and has ZERO rights. Over the course of 22 years together we accumulated some wealth, we have common property, we pay taxes like any other couple and the minute we settle in Poland all those basic human rights are taken away from us.
That is the main reason why I and my husband cannot go back to our own country.
On a social level in the major Polish cities the attitudes are not so homophobic, but once you scratch the glossy surface it is evident that 90% of Poles feel awkward about gay people. They will never agree to gay people adopting and raising children and roughly 80% of them do not agree with the concept of gay marriage. The age of consent in Poland is regardless of sexual orientation.
How old were you when you realised you were gay and when did you realise there was a whole LGBTQ world out there?
I realised that I was gay a long time ago… probably when I was around 11 years old. As for the LGBTQ world, I think the first time I realised there was a ‘gay scene’ was when I moved to the USA. I only heard about it on the radio and the TV, I lived in rural Wisconsin and there was nothing of that sort there.
When did you come out? And how did your family and friends react?
It happened organically, I never went and said to my parent ‘hey, I am gay’.
I got together with my husband when we were only 21 and I never hid the fact that we were together. I brought him home and there he was. By this point I didn’t really care what others thought.
I lived unhappy and in fear for long enough and I was not going have another 5-year blackout in my life. All the people that mattered reacted okay, those who reacted badly are no longer in my life.
Have you ever had any issues with being gay at work or out in public?
When I was working as a lecturer and researcher at Warsaw University of Technology I heard homophobic remarks and jokes all the time and I decided to remain in the closet.
I was very successful at this I might add, as most people always assumed I was talking about a wife when I was talking about my present husband in a gender neutral way. I never lied that I was with a woman, I always referred to him in a gender neutral form, which is quite easy in the Polish language.
When we moved to London roughly 12 years ago, it was the end of living in the closet. London is possibly the most inclusive city in the world and there is zero need there to hide the fact you are gay.
I stopped working professionally at that point and have been a househusband ever since. I never had any issues with being gay either in the UK nor in my current place of residence Switzerland.
What was your longest relationship?
I have a husband, we have been together for approximately 22 years and got married shortly before moving to Switzerland, around a year and a half ago.
What are your views on open relationships?
I always believed that the family that plays together stays together. We are always together and we never do anything separately. But I will never criticise how others live, whatever works for people is fine with me.
Do you remember what your first sexual experience was like?
Probably at 18/19, with a more experienced guy. It was a disaster. I was fat, unhappy with myself but ready to explore. It was all wrong. Got better with time!
Who is in charge in the bedroom — the top or the bottom?
When you are in such a long relationship it is only natural that the roles change all the time!
Do you use Grindr? If so, what’s the dirtiest thing someone has said to you?
We travel a lot and we use Grindr mostly to talk to people and seek recommendations on local places to visit. European Grindr users are generally very helpful and very willing to share their knowledge, it is not all about sex here.
Of course it is mostly about sex, but they are fine with giving tips and recommendations. Grindr has proven a great tool when exploring foreign places!
