Growing up Gay in South Africa
The challenges of growing up gay in different countries.
In my series of interviews on how gay guys grew up all over the world, I chatted with Ian, a 26 year old South African guy living in a small countryside town of Mpumalanga and KwaZulu-Natal about growing up gay.
How easy was it to be gay in the place you grew up? Is there a gay scene?
Where I am from, there is no real ‘gay scene’ but it’s easy because generally people just do not care. You live your life.
What are the laws on LGBTQ people in your country, e.g. age of consent, same sex marriage etc?
The republic of South Africa has a clear constitution which highly enshrines gay rights as human rights, so the laws that govern and protect the LGBTQ community are the same as those protecting the heterosexual counterparts.
The difference is that hate crimes are taken more seriously in the country provinces where the community takes action against such crimes.
How old were you when you realised you were gay and when did you realise there was a whole LGBTQ world out there?
I was really young when I realised that I was gay, around 7 ish I would say. I had always dreamt of guys and played dollhouse which at the time made the elders at home uncomfortable. But in the same breath, their attitude was casual and relaxed.
I realised that there was a community because there was a guy who was openly gay we knew from where I am from. Generally, they all move to the big cities (their preference for job opportunities). But RuPaul, Elton John and later George Michael were the only ones I knew who were popular.
When did you come out? And how did your family and friends react?
I never came out as I never felt nor saw the need to, everybody knew it even before me.
Have you ever had any issues with being gay at work or out in public?
Well there are no real issues to report for public, the general untold rule for all couples whether gay/ straight or whatever is absolutely no PDA (public displays of affection). In our culture (Zulu) it’s disrespectful and image demeaning to do PDA. No-one will attack you for it but you will be looked at funny if guys aren’t married especially. Irrespective of gender and sexuality.
In the workplace is a different scenario, all depending on where you are. For example, I’m in hospitality and got fired by a manager whose behaviour proved his discrimination of me but he had never said it. Everybody at the hotel in Durban knew about it though. He also fired the only other gay person we had in the food and beverage team. This manager is Indian thus actions of this nature can lead to our people attacking these minorities and then the media spins it as xenophobia etc.
Do you have a partner? What was your longest relationship?
No I am currently single (been single for quite a long time), the longest relationship I had was with an Austrian guy living in South Africa. The relationship lasted about 9–10 months. I generally do not have the luck of being in long-term relationships, most people educated to my level prefer NSA (no strings attached) relationships which I do not operate well with.
What are your views on open relationships?
Honestly I am neutral about them because in my culture polygamy is allowed and some of my uncles have multiple wives. I would for example consider an open relationship provided that the guy really proved that he loved me and he was always open and honest about who he’s sleeping with. But in the long-term view I loathe it, I believe that I should be enough for someone because I know what I have to offer and cannot really compromise too much on it.
Do you remember what your first sexual experience was like?
My first sexual experience was at age 19. Growing up single I developed a ‘slut complex’ ,where I pretended to be slut so I would not have to be honest about being a virgin. I was ashamed of it because it meant that no-one wanted me.
I lost my virginity to a guy I did not like because I wanted to get rid of it, it wasn’t memorable, nothing special. I just did it to get it out of my way.
Who is in charge in the bedroom — the top or the bottom?
The one in charge is generally me, my ass my rules. I know what I want, unless I am with a guy who is dominant in the sense of his presence, and he is my type, then I let him take over.
Do you use Grindr? If so, what’s the dirtiest thing someone has said to you?
I do use Grindr and the dirtiest thing ever said to me? Cannot recall much but I find “no fems/fat/queens/he-men” kind of headlines to be extremely offensive. You also find a lot of “looking for familiar/whites only” kind of profiles.
