“Wanna see something cool I can do with it?” I ask my love of nearly two years.
“Hey Siri, remind me when I get home: You’re going to forget…
I pause, I hadn’t come up with an example of what one might want to be reminded to do before it’s forgotten. Siri quietly adds the reminder as I digress into how it uses geofencing to remind me just as I arrive somewhere.
I drive home and sure enough, the notification seen above vibrates my leg. I dismiss it with a laugh under my breath.
Two months later…
There was no slamming of doors.
The weight of our combined depression and coping tactics had finally cracked the plate that held our love. When you date someone for so long, you become them. Your tastes slowly align in center. After enough time there is not much of the old you left. The loss of that person is like the loss of part of you. The remaining half of you tastes of sugar substitute in place of the real. Fake, empty, and distictly missing something.
As time went on, the reminder would pop up on my phone, right as I would put the Miata in neutral; or when I would put it in first after the E-brake broke. “You’re going to forget” echoed throughout every day.
Despite our tendency to end up at the bottom of everything, it’s not of human nature to be depressed. We want to find ways to end the inner pain. I found myself tring to distract away the thougths with anything I could. Working out, driving fast, and working harder and longer. Distraction is to your happiness as ice is to a burn. At the end of the adrenaline, it’s only a temporary solution that brings you back to where you started. Real happiness is found when the dark days are forgotten and all that is left is the man or woman it made you.
“You’re going to forget” slowly became my mantra for healing.
It means: ‘Enjoy now as it is’.
It means: ‘The things that keep you up at night will fade’.
It means: ‘This too shall pass’.
One day, you will forget, just for that day…it won’t last forever, but it will start small and grow outwards. You will become okay, the graphite mistakes and horrors that haunt you will be taken off the page by the eraser of time.
Yesterday was that day.
Over the last, almost seven months, I have done a lot as far as personal accomplishments go. I got a 50% raise, I lost 20 lbs, I didn’t date anyone because I learned that my standards must be met and that I better make me worth something to whomever I do date. Hell, last week I went out and bought a car. A car that cost more than $40,000 less than five years ago. It has heated leather seats and a panoramic moonroof! My parents never owned anything like that. As far as 23 year old males go, I’m doing really well. However, the elative moments don’t drown out the drivel that drives despair. A September Car accident, a tear filled Thanksgiving and the darkest Christmas afternoon spent alone with Benjamin Gibbard and Evan Williams all tint my nights.
But yesterday was that day.
It was beautiful for a February day; 60º and sunny. A drive to my favorite places, visting my parents. I forgot everything that hurt existed, all for just one day. While I didn’t know it, it felt wonderful.
If you find yourself here, just know:
You’re going to forget….
and it’s going to be amazing.