Living with Guilt
I arrived late to class. This was a short module, hence attending all the lectures were a prerequisite. I felt guilty about missing the first half of class since the moment I walked in. Why did I reach late?
I had spent the previous evening with three of the most amazing people I met since arriving at Ithaca. A serendipitous encounter with this family which now felt like home. We spent the evening talking about literature, education and business — typical things Bengalis discuss over drinks. The consequence of this late-night engagement was that I woke up late and couldn’t be on time for class.
I now had a decision to make. I could feel like a looser, sit passively and sulk about yesterday, or I could contribute to the class discussion and learn from this lecture. I decided to do the later. I presented my thoughts on the vision for Artificial Intelligence (AI) and substantiated that with a fin-tech case I had earlier written about.
I will use the above incident as an example of something I, and perhaps many others, feel- the feeling of living with guilt. Guilt of not living up to the family’s expectations, guilt of letting a team down, guilt of letting oneself down by not being his/her best version.
To understand this feeling better, I analyse where guilt arises from? My understanding is that guilt comes from a space where we care about something or someone. We set goals — through peer pressure or by reflecting on who we truly want to become. Each day we strive to achieve these goals.
What happens when the goal, which Maslow would call “Self-actualized”, is not achieved? We feel guilty. We have several competing needs as social beings. We wade our way through, negotiating on conflicting priorities trying to rise-up that social needs pyramid. Based on our analysis of a situation, we decide to give up something and take on others. This process of gaining clarity can be stressful. Times when we do not live up to the self-imposed expectation makes us feel guilty. This is a benign form of guilt which, until a certain threshold, helps us strive to be a better person.
Guilt also arises from peer pressure as we set a benchmark for ourselves compared to our friends, family and the community. This is a legit process of evaluation. We have relative grading to measure our performance against the class; KPIs to evaluate ourselves against teammates. As a child, I used to be compared to my classmates or a successful distant cousin. And because I care about the people making these comparisons, I feel guilty of not living up to their expectations when I fail. I remember a time in high school when a teacher caught me reading a novel during class and reprimanded me for wasting my parent’s hard-earned money. If done in a constructive manner, this can jolt a person into course correction. Beyond a point such ridicules become counter-productive and paralyses the person into inaction.
I create this distinction to set the context and to argue that guilt is not necessarily a bad feeling to work with. However, in this post, I have analysed the extreme case where guilt takes over and turns malign. There are three major problems as guilt takes over –
Guilt breeds negativity
Let’s go back to the example of me arriving late to class. What would be the consequence of sulking about spending the evening with friends? I would have wasted the three-hour lecture beating myself up for being unorganized. The memory of the beautiful evening would stand ruined forever creating a negative feel to the entire episode.
This is not to say that I shouldn’t be more organized and think through my decisions. But the point I highlight here is the action (or the lack of it) I pursue because of a certain feeling.
Guilt becomes habit
Guilt piles up and reinforces itself each time as I look for direction. Past impressions influence my future decisions. Each time I anchor my thought in guilt, it becomes the guiding principle. It starts with isolated small incidents. One instance turns into another and soon starts influencing major decisions. Beyond a point it stalls growth and breeds self-pity. It forces me to focus on the past and dissuades away from the present and future course of actions.
Guilt errs decisions
The relation between guilt and decision-making ability is most relevant to me as a management student. There are two problems that arise.
While business decisions are rooted in data and information, there are times when we must work with limited data and crunch timelines. The management saying comes to mind — Done is better than perfect. Business leaders and consultants initiate a hypothesis driven approach based on their personality and the situation at hand. Guilt brings out a fear of not trusting the gut feeling. How? The feeling of guilt is embedded in shame. The ability to act diminishes when I think of the shame and humiliation I would face should the decision fail. In this way, guilt can be detrimental to the growth of the business and the leader.
The inability to act should not be confused with risk planning. We certainly need to identify and more importantly find ways to mitigate risks.
Secondly, guilt restricts my development by binding me to the identity set by family and society. As a young business professional, learning and growth are my priorities. I become risk averse and limit venturing into uncharted areas by operating through the lens of stereotypical identity. Not just this, I would extend the argument to say that this also affects my self-worth.
While I have primarily discussed the negative consequences of living with guilt, I should mention that guilt helps us function via a moral code and sets socially acceptable norms. This brings stability and comfort. It makes us care about our teammates, friends and family.
Now that I have discussed the extreme consequences of a guilt-ridden life, what am I doing to transcend it? Firstly, I offer and seek support. This is crucial both as a team member and a leader. I strive to be dependable and push people beyond their comfort zone. Secondly, I open myself up and become vulnerable. After class, I went up to the professor and apologized unconditionally. The apology had a transformative power. Not only did I form a relationship with the professor, I felt at peace with myself. Thirdly, every time I find myself being dragged into the guilt mindset, I ask — Now that I’m here, what can I do to move forward?
Lastly, I’m gentle on myself and others. I’m reminded of what Gandhi once said “In a gentle way we can shake the world”.
This post is a reflective exercise. I have intentionally refrained from quoting research and brought in personal experiences. However, some of my arguments are influenced by books and papers that I have read at different points in time. Three works that prominently influence my understanding are –
1. “A Treatise of Human Nature” by David Hume which describes how humans perceive and act.
2. “The Third Pillar” by Raghuram Rajan which details the balancing power of community, markets and the government in a society.
3. An organization behavior paper titled “Envy As Pain: Rethinking the Nature of Envy and Its Implications for Employees and Organizations” by Jayanth Narayanan et al. This paper classifies workplace envy as benign and malicious.
