Why Men With Large Penises Are Miserable: Response to ’s Why Highly Intelligent People Are Miserable
If you’re anything like me, then a massive penis has been a huge handicap throughout the course of your life. It might sound a bit counterintuitive at first, but — trust me — it’s no cakewalk having an elephant trunk dangling between your thighs. Let me take you on a journey of self discovery. Much like your first sexual experience, this will be fast, educational and only moderately fun for all parties.
A friend of mine recently posted a picture on Instagram with a rather saddening caption. The picture was of him looking whimsically up at a distant mountain range and the caption read something like: “Why is it that the best moments are gone so fast, while the worst ones tend to linger?” It was emo as hell and I was about to tell him as much when I remembered that he was likely referring to the pain of a recent breakup. One of his friends had also picked up on this and commented: “Don’t worry man, you’ve still got a big dick!.” Juvenile comment, sure. But stay with me. It was true. This friend had a reputation in high school for having an anaconda-sized trouser snake. And while his weapon of ass destruction had brought him many good nights with women of a more adventurous sort, I know that it had also brought him considerable pain. I know for a fact that more than one of his girlfriends had broken up with him because of “sexual incompatibility” due to his penis being supersized.
And this is not the only downside to a large kielbasa. It’s a well known fact that you can have too much of a good thing. Ice cream, hot dogs, Friends reruns are all best in moderation. Same principle with the knob-goblin. You want enough size to be able to please a lady, but not too much that it occasionally makes you lightheaded when you get hard. Or limits your potential dating pool to ladies in the WNBA.
We often feel objectified
In an interview with CBS Sunday Morning, Lady Gaga opened up about some of her personal struggles with fame. “As soon as I go out into the world, I belong, in a way, to everyone else,” she said. “It’s legal to follow me, it’s legal to stalk me at the beach, I can’t call the police or ask them to leave. And I took a long hard look at the property line and I said well, you know, if I can’t be free out there, I’m going to be free in here [pointing to her heart].” Gaga’s struggle with her celebrity is often how those of us with big dicks feel whenever one of our (girl)friends spreads a rumor about our womb raider being supersized. We see the smirks, the furtive glances down, and we feel truly objectified. I find it difficult to trust any blind date set up by one of my friends as I constantly wonder if my reputation has preceded me and if this lady across the table is truly seeking my heart or just my hard-on.
We find it difficult to give and show love
My romantic partners suffer this the most. The ups and downs associated with having a SpaceX Falcon Heavy-level lap rocket has left me jaded. I find it hard to get out of my head at the beginnings of a relationship and then often grow mistrustful as the relationship evolves regarding my partner’s true intentions.
BORED
Because we are basically curiosity pieces to many ladies, options for one night stands are aplenty. Many ladies (apparently) fantasize about being with a man with a large penis. Prioritizing all the girls I could have sex with is a big problem for me. Lou Bega may have claimed in his song, Mambo No. 5, that he had Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary and Jessica in his life but he didn’t have Hinge and/or know the ruthless efficiency of an appropriately timed dick pic. All of the excitement of the chase has left. I find myself trying to spice it up by claiming that my penis is horse-sized because of contact with radiation or that I’m a Trump supporter — but to no avail.
Overthinking!
I’m always in my head about the size of my penis versus the size of the girl’s vagina. What happens if I can’t get it in? Will it be over? Will she tell anyone? What if I hurt her? What if she sees it and is scared of its cruel majesty?
People expect too much from us
Having a big Johnny Rooster is occasionally wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But having to deal with people’s expectations of the great things I’m supposed to do with my penis? Not so much. Every time a lady unwraps my yoghurt slinger from its banana hammock I see the desire flash across her face. I can see her doing the math in her head: dick longer than 9 inches + proper girth-to-length ratio + manscaped with an attention to detail befitting Augusta National + not too veiny = 100% chance of climax tonight. NOPE. Knowing this is going on massively ramps up the pressure on me and I find it occasionally difficult to perform! Too much pressure gets to the best of us. Indeed, even Dave Chappelle famously quit mid-season from his uber-successful Chappelle’s Show because he couldn’t handle the pressure.
We are widely misunderstood and feel alone
It’s difficult finding people who understand me as a person and the burdens I carry. Indeed, if you consider that the global average penis size is 5.5” with a standard deviation of 0.5”, being hung like me is what is known in the statistics world as a six-sigma event. I am in the top 1% of deep v-divers, requiring Marianas Trench level lady conches to cope with my nuclear submarine. None of my friends can relate.
In conclusion…
Have you ever heard of Hedonic Adaptation? It’s a principle that people tend to revert to their baseline level of happiness after significantly positive or negative events. The classic example is that of a lottery winner who, after a brief period of elation following his or her amazing luck, returns to his or her former level of happiness. As Wikipedia puts it: “as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness.” People without large members expect having a penis to be like a superpower that permanently adds fun and excitement to a person’s life. But for those of us endowed like Harvard, we know the bitter brew that can accompany our anatomical anomaly.
