The Local Police Log — my favorite thing in the world.

Mara Averick
Sep 6, 2016 · 2 min read

My town police log has kept me riveted ever since I learned to read. I’ve sent snippets to friends over the years, but decided to point out some recent gems on Twitter last week, which I’m sharing below (for posterity’s sake).

Type 1. People who call and want nothing done

While I’m sure there are circumstances in which it’s good to have things “on the record,” for the life of me, I cannot think of how that would apply here. Is he planning on entering this information into evidence in a forthcoming judicial proceeding? “Your honor, I’d like the record to reflect that my client was under duress at the time, having recently been subjected to the worst music of his entire life.”

You certainly can’t fault this woman for a lack of temerity, eight hours is a heck of a long time to be waiting, especially if you plan to then decline medical attention. Did she decide to just go through life with one-eyed vision at some point during her wait? Is she allergic to dogs? Also, what precipitated the incident? I find it hard to imagine that there’s a lady out there just throwing “dog water” into the face of whomever comes her way.

Type 2. Calls expressing outrage at town/police for private matters

I have a soft spot for any and all posts that involve direct quotations, and was also surprised to see so many dog mentions in a single week. I haven’t researched the town bylaws or anything, but I’m certainly unfamiliar with any legislation that would make your average kitchen-appliance failure a civil matter. Was it taken from her under eminent domain? I do appreciate her letting us know, however, that the matter would be resolved by Friday.

The phrasing on this one doesn’t even make it sound like the caller is asking for help. As for whether this is a police-worthy matter, I guess you’ll just have to decide for yourselves.

Wild Card: Naked Jack

I shared some of my many questions about this one on Twitter, but I suppose they bear repeating here.

  • Usually they don’t name minors, but maybe they assumed it’d be cool with Jack, since he’s pretty “open” (read: naked).
  • Also, if a naked 6 y/o wanders into the PD around noon, is the money really what you should be most concerned about?!?
  • If not, at what age does “naked Jack’s” nudity become the incident being logged? Is nudity always acceptable when returning cash?

If only we were all as philanthropically-minded as Jack — not a stitch of clothing on his body, and he still wants to give the money away.

Mara Averick

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Non-profit #datanerd, #civictech enthusiast, #NBA stats junkie, using #data4good (and/or dominating fantasy sports), less popular half of @batpigandme