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You ever notice how hard it is to find someone when you are looking?
There you are, doing all the right things, saying all the right affirmations, reading all the right books, attending all the great seminars, getting coached.

And still…

Nada. Zip. Ziltch.

The same emotionally potty training fools that have always been attracted to you are still attracted to you and for the LIFE OF YOU, you cannot figure out how to attract the kind of person you can really grow a relationship with.

Kinda makes you wonder if finding that ‘right person’ is all a big fat ploy to distract you from the depressing reality you’re swimming in?


If only that right person would come along and show you a different reality.

Life would finally gel, right?

When the kind of love you want doesn’t show some of you swear off love, while others of you go LOOKING.

You take charge.

If you want something in this life, by golly you gotta get out there and pound pavement sweetie.

I get it.

When something isn’t happening the way I want it to happen that is my first instinct too, to go out there and do something about it.

That’s how shit gets done, actualized, manifested, with action, right?

Have you ever noticed how most connections come out of nowhere, when you are least expecting to meet someone they appear?

And since you don’t have control over this curious world that works in mysterious ways, you can either choose to be a ‘go getter’and try to manifest your love, or you can sit back, relax, and stop looking for what you need outside of yourself.

WTF, Kelly? Really? Did you just throw some hoopty lala spiritual bullshit at me?


I am just as guilty as the next person looking outside of myself for what I seek, but after years of doing this I realized that the love I want isn’t out there.

Sounds nuts, right? You are looking for other people and other people are out there?

True. However, the kind of men/women you attract and what you want is an inside job.

If you are not getting what you want from love then you need go inward and get clear about 3 major things before you begin to manifest.

1). Why love eludes your grasp?

2). Why love doesn’t last?

3). What love is?

Today I will explore the first, and in the next article: Do YOU Even KNOW What LOVE IS, I will dive deeper into what love actually is and why it doesn’t last for most people.

Most of you are chasing a feeling, not LOVE itself.

1). Feelings: to trust or not to trust?
Follow your heart. This is what you have been taught your whole life right? Well, what happens when that heart of yours leads you straight into a relationship of abuse, addiction, and co-dependency where your ability to do the right thing is outweighted by the depth of your feelings? Then what? You followed your heart right? Isn’t that the ticket to the promised land?

YES and NO.

Most of you meet people and trust your attraction and feelings, and let that lead. Then, months later, as you start to unravel this person you thought you knew you realize your feelings duped you into believing you knew someone you didn’t really.

Feelings make you think you know someone when you don’t. It’s the feeling that’s familiar not the person.

The reason you know the ‘feeling’ is because the feeling is YOU, not the other person.

You are familiar to you, and that person you met that you thought you had feelings for only really activated feelings you already possess.

Have you ever fallen for someone only to discover they weren’t who you thought? Have you ever put your feelings above what you know is right? Have you ever fallen for someone for who you want them to be not who they actually are? Have you ever been in relationship only to realize you are living in a fantasy?

Then you know what it feels like when your world comes crashing down and you discover the person you have all these feelings for isn’t who you thought or want, and your feelings, and heart lead you astray.


Aren’t you supposed to trust your feelings? Before we get into HOW it’s possible, let’s note the facts: ATTRACTION, CONNECTION and FEELINGS doesn’t mean your feelings know what’s serves your highest good.


Your heart can lead you astray when you don’t have a good sense of WHO YOU ARE.

Most of you don’t know who you are. You are still in the process of discovery and you use relationship and love to find yourself.

If you don’t know who you are, if you don’t know your value, worth, or what you truly deserve, all of your relationships are mere snapshots of what is possible.

Like puzzle pieces you find a piece of a larger picture here and there, but never a whole picture.

In the end, it’s YOU who is fragmented.

And your relationships are a reflection of your fragmented relationship with yourself.


(If your feelings serve your highest good you can trust them. If your feelings are turning you into a bonafide addict and create worlds and worlds of dysfunction and unhappiness, and you betray your truth for your feelings, then no, you cannot trust your feelings. In this instance your conscience is your best guide.)

2). Handing yourself over on a silver platter: smart or dumb?
When you feel something for someone and it’s ON, you will serve yourself right up. Naked. Wet. Eager. On a silver platter. Even if you don’t TRULY KNOW the person you are with.

When someone comes along and you feel something powerful for them, or you really like the way they make you feel and ‘that feeling’ becomes BIGGER than your conscience, most of you don’t stop to look at the decrepancy. Aren’t feelings and conscience supposed to match? And if they don’t, why are you not seeing the RED FLAGS for what they are? Why are you betraying yourself?

When you feel something for someone you know the feeling and you like the feeling, you want more of the feeling, so throw caution to the wind and fuck it all to hell and give it up why don’t ya?

The problem with this is that when you lead with your feelings and you fall into what you feel, not taking the time to actually access whether or not this person is even worthy of your mind, body, soul, heart and feelings, then you are forcing yourself to back peddle. If you have a lot of relationships that start out great but fizzle or the love doesn’t last or worse you wake up one day and have no fucking clue as to who you are with, then you might want to actually reconsider how you approach your connections and attractions.

So many of my girlfriends, the second they meet a guy they like they’re so desparate and starved for connection they’ll take whatever they can get. I watch them as they put everything they got into the connection. I watch how they lose themselves and then wonder what the fuck happened when they get dumped, the dude starts acting like a tool, and displaying traits that are so contrary to the yummy yummy goodness they feel when it’s all about the connection they thought they had.

Word to the wise: having blinders on, and going into romance with eyes wide shut is a for sure way to shoot yourself in the heart. It’s okay to have feelings and even explore those feelings, but putting your feelings above getting to know someone isn’t smart, it’s dumb.

3). How to Dance With Your Feelings Without Shutting Your Conscience Out
Your feelings are only one aspect of a bigger picture. Feelings are not enough to make a relationship prosper, so if you are the kind of person who leads with your feelings you might want to try something different. The next time you meet someone you have a connection to don’t just dive in and give it all up. Don’t allow your feelings to be the only thing you experience until it’s too late for you to use your brain.

If you are so quick to relinguish your most sacred possessions to your despartion to connect and feel something, you have major issues that are standing in the way of your deepest desires.

When you go out with someone, get to know the person you have feelings for. Find out who they are. Observe their behavior. Don’t be so desparate for love you don’t listen to your inner voices. Most of you project so badly, you make people who you want them to be. You create complete illusions about what is and isn’t real. If this satisfies you, and you like suffering, rock on, but if you are tired of the dead end bullshit game of not getting your needs met, then I’m offering you a way out. The next time you bullshit yourself, I dare you to actually take the time to see the truth. What have you got to lose if losing is the name of your game? Get to know the person you have feelings for. Do the feelings you have inside of you align with who you are with? Or do you have major feelings for someone who treats you poorly or who doesn’t value you? Do you spend more time wishing things were different? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you begging for scraps?

If any of these are true, you are lying to yourself and until you find the courage to wake up and forgive yourself, and make things what you want, you won’t find the very thing you are looking for.

Real, lasting love, isn’t FLEETING or built on illusions.

Some of you like falling and getting your heart broken. You are afraid if you use your brain at all you won’t feel as much. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. You don’t have to lose any fire or mystery by taking the time to get to know someone. In fact, all of you who think that you’re missing out on something by not allowing your brain to have a say, will wind up shooting yourself in the heart over and over again until you realize that what I am saying has merit.

A friend of mine was really into this guy because they connected, but his actions were flighty. She was afraid to talk to me about it, because she didn’t want me to ruin it. (She didn’t want me to see straight through it and tell her the truth she already knew deep down.) She was adamant about remaining open and not having bad thoughts before they even got started. You can be open and stay in your heart and in your flow. When it comes to life and what works and doesn’t work, you have to use your brain when it comes to making decisions that impact your life. Handing yourself over because of feelings alone is stupid when you repeat the same patterns over and over again and have shitty luck in love.

You gotta be smart and seriously develop your emotional intelligence to even understand the freedom of being able to lead with your feelings.

When your heart and head are in alignment you can do this, but if you continually make bad choices you don’t have the luxury of trusting just your feelings or your heart.


If I have learned anything about love and relationship it is this: you cannot be unconscious about love, because when you are unconscious about love you are prone to play out your unconscious stuff in relationship. All of us, at one time or another, need this to really learn, but at some point you need to wise up and start seeing reality for what it is.

The only people who can lead with their feelings first are people who have emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent people use their brains not just their feelings to make choices.

Am I saying that a lot of you are emotionally unintelligent?


It’s not a core value of our culture and it’s something that took me a long time to learn. I am still learning.

I have to stop here, but there is more. This topic cannot be covered the way you need it covered in one post.

I have repeated certain things in the post that bare repeating. Let this sink in. The only way you can change what you are attracting is if you are bold enough and courageous enough to take off the blinders and actually look at WHO and WHY you attract and CHOOSE differently if you are unlucky in love.

We will get into that next. Stay tuned.

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Shirley Haley

Shirley Haley

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