Even with all of my progress and all that has changed over the course of this year, I cannot shake you from my soul. I know the person that I dream about is no longer an existent entity, but for some reason or another I am continuously drawn to the beauty that she was. I am constantly learning to understand that life moves on, that nothing is perfect, that the future is never set in stone. I wish things were set as easily as they are in movies, that love triumphs over everything and the ones that are meant to be, find each other again to create the perfect harmony that once was. It is in that wish that I know it is all, but a wish. It is a desire that keeps me from establishing that I had my golden ticket and all I had to do was cherish it, instead I squandered it away for a moment of self satisfaction. I chose beauty instead of decency and for that I lost everything.
I know that in my crazy I messed everything up. I destroyed more things than I can ever count and did things that I would have never dreamt of doing. Through those experiences, I understand that I can learn and grow to help establish my self as a better person. I know that I should not dwell on the past, but strive for a better future. I’ve been trying to do all of these things to implement a life where I can always be at my best, but that does not keep me from reminding myself of the points where I have been at my worst.
I lost the you that was. I lost the innocence that we were and I placed on your shoulders a load that I had no idea how to deal with on my own because I was too afraid to admit that I was weak. I needed help, but refused because I couldn’t cope with the fact that I needed to admit defeat. I wished that I could blame anything but myself for the consequences that I am in, but the honest truth is that there is no one else to blame. I paid for my incongruity with your blood and for that, I don’t know when I will be able to forgive myself, but I am trying to learn how.
I am a liar, everyone should know that, the best storytellers always are. I honestly loved you with all of my heart and everything I had and was. I do not know if you could ever believe that, but that is the only truth that matters, even though all of this is truly meaningless now. You’re a new person, with new experiences and new life goals, pushing for your happiness. The person that I am chasing is but a ghost, long ago buried under the trees in the tall grass, but for me its siren call will continuously sing unto me until I can fully understand that she is gone.
I can say honestly now that I do not know what love is. I understand its existence and its importance to what makes us human, and for that I am grateful for its existence. It is that in which I experienced it for the first time with you by my side that me keeps from being at peace. It is no longer a feeling that I will have as I did in those moments that leaves me yearning for another chance at that bliss. You may or may not have been my soulmate for there is no true way to ever establish that, but you were my first love, you were my first heartbreak, and your memory alone will be mine to bear. Thank you for allowing me to find love’s existence with you by my side. Your sacrifice will never go unnoticed in my heart as you placed a solid establishment for me to be able to understand how to cherish it when I one day hopefully find it again.
As always, may peace with you as you traverse this hellish world. May you find the path that will lead you to the happiness that you deserve. May things line up for you in the universe perfectly so that you can one day be the best you that you can be. Take care.