American Men Get Real About Toxic Relationships

2 Men Talk About The Foreign Women They’ve Dated And What They’ve Learned

These days the term “toxic” has become part of the world’s lexicon. Social media has done the lion’s share of spreading awareness over harmful attitudes or behavioral patterns in people.

Here’s the thing, though — could toxicity differ among cultures?

For this piece, we asked two men about their experiences staying in well-known tourist destinations, and what surprised them most about their romantic encounters there.

Robert, 35, frequent traveler to Colombia:

I began traveling to Colombia when I turned 30. I’m Colombian on my mother’s side, and she, too, was born and raised in America.

The first few years of my travels, I really couldn’t spend much longer than a week or less in the country. A lot of what I heard about it happened to be true: the locals are friendly, the weather is fantastic, and the girls are gorgeous.

Late 2022, I had the chance to stay for longer, like 2 months, and I was free to date. I quickly learned something: Colombian women have their own sense of time.

Seriously, I’ve had women tell me they’re on their way to meet me, and it turns out they haven’t even left their houses. I even walked out on a date once, thinking she’d ghosted me.

It was kind of irritating. I’m basically a punctual person, and I felt like my time wasn’t being respected. But I dated more than one woman while I was there, and when it was all of them who had that same quirk, I realized it wasn’t a quirk. It wasn’t a game; I wasn’t being breadcrumbed or ghosted. It was just the way they were.

It wasn’t just them. The guys I became friends with there were like that too.

Honestly, I value being on time, and constant tardiness is a deal breaker for me. But now that I know that it’s just some kind of cultural thing, it doesn’t piss me off anymore. It’s nothing personal. I wasn’t being played. I was in their country, not mine, so I should have been the one to adjust.

Keith, 52, married to a Filipina:

I’m divorced with grown kids, so I’m no stranger to relationships. I met my first Filipina girlfriend through a dating site recommended to me by a coworker.

That relationship didn’t last long. When I first visited her after 4 months, I realized everyone knew about me already. I mean everyone — not just her parents, but her relatives, her friends, her neighbors, and her coworkers.

Privacy isn’t a priority among Filipinos, or at least, that’s my first impression of it. When I told her about it, she turned passive-aggressive on me. I now know it’s what they call “tampo,” or sulking. I thought she was trying to emotionally manipulate me and I cut my losses.

When I returned home, there was a new worker at my company, a Filipina. She was beautiful and charming. I avoided her. I thought she was like my ex, and was just trying to get on everyone’s good side.

She got on everyone’s good side, all right. It was easy. She was the hardest working person there. She had a way of handling conflict that calmed even our hotheaded boss. She was upfront about being Catholic, and me being Irish Catholic, I liked that.

We got to know each other. At 42, she’s the breadwinner of her family, which, like my ex’s, was pretty extended. She’s addicted to Facebook, mostly to communicate with her loved ones, but also to keep up with her local gossip.

I talked to her about my Filipina ex, and without being judgmental, she explained that life in the Philippines is hard, and family makes it bearable. She taught me that privacy is just as important to them, but unlike Americans, it’s not as easy to maintain. When everyone knew about me, that was their way of making sure my ex was safe with me.

As for the “tampo,” she said that was just a Filipina’s way of expressing emotional frustration and a desire to be understood.

Is it immature? That’s a matter of perspective. Filipinos are generally jolly and good-natured, but they can be very sensitive. A tampo is a culturally understood way for a woman to let you know you’ve upset her without making the argument worse. In their male-dominated society, even when they’re angry, Filipinas have to be careful not to offend most men.

It must be pretty predictable for you now how it goes from here. I fell in love with my coworker and we eventually got married.

Occasionally, we go to the Philippines to visit her family. Like my ex’s, everyone knows everyone’s business. And I saw firsthand how that can come in handy.

Did your car break down? Hang on, there’s a mechanic among her dad’s drinking buddies. Do you want to explore the province? Wait, don’t bother with a hotel booking. They’ve got some distant relatives there who can put you up for as long as you need. Feeling under the weather? Ask around; it won’t be long before someone brings you to a “hilot,” or a local healing masseuse, or mix you up with some home remedy that’s surprisingly effective.

Life turned out better for me than I thought it would at my age. I’m glad I took the time to figure out the “toxic” traits of a Filipina. I can say in all honesty that their good traits far outweigh the bad.

It’s always a good idea to keep an eye out for those red flags. After all, no one wants to date just to get scarred.

But it’s just as critical to balance caution with fair-mindedness. Everyone has undesirable traits; it’s part of being human. But just because a person is flawed doesn’t mean they’re toxic.

In fact, a person’s imperfections may be just the traits their future spouse is looking for.

This is to all the men and women who are in an international relationship, what toxic trait did you encounter with your foreign partner that you later found out was a cultural trait? Let me know in the comments.