Consonants First: A White House Blueprint to Making the Alphabet Great Again

Citizens of These Great United States — we are on the verge of a new chapter in American Greatness. And as I have learned from totally reading books with chapters — like all the time — you can’t start a new chapter until you turn the page on the old one. Just imagine how much faster we all could be turning pages if we had 23 percent fewer letters to read per sentence.

Due to reckless mismanagement and lack of oversight, the alphabet we all share — all 28 letters — has gone off the rails. Our once proud language is a real problem, people. We must drain the letter swamp, and that means more than just cancelling Sesame Street.

My administration is proud to announce that we are currently working with members of both parties to reign in discretionary spelling. With a goal of making words lean and efficient, we plan to slash vowels and reestablish the sharp corners and strong foothold of our American consonants around the world.

Vowels are weak. They are a failing group of letters — mouth open like, “Uhhh, ohhh, uh huh? Ah. Oh? Ewwwwww!” What kind of message does that send? We need tongue. We need teeth. Consonants will make our name great again. If the God of our founding fathers didn’t see fit to use vowels in his ancient Hebrew texts, why should we?

The time for small thinking is over. Without the excess baggage of certain pathetic letters, our alphabet is going to mow down a garden path for all of our dreams to follow. I have signed an executive order today, effective immediately when I stop talking, which removes the following letters from our alphabet:

A is for the Arts. It’s gotta go, people. What, like a nice picture or something? Big waste. How is that going to keep ISIS out? A is for Assistance. Government assistance is the worst. Poor people are the worst. What’s their problem?

E is for the Environment. Love it. Big fan of Mother Nature. The environment is a big girl by now and should be able to take care of herself. Little known fact — the deregulation and steady pillars of black industrial smoke I am lobbying for actually build up her tolerance and makes her stronger. Now that’s some feminism.

I is for Immigrants. Our national security is at stake, folks. I is the slenderest of letters, kind of like a snake standing against a wall in unlaced sneakers and a flat billed cap waiting to offer your children drugs. Islam and ISIS also start with I. Need I say more? Scratch that. Need me say more?

O is for Ovaries. O is for Obama. Two very bad things onto which I will continue to shift blame.

U is for Unisex bathrooms. Nope.

W is for wall. Some people say W is a vowel. They say that W is for weak. That you can tunnel under it or lean a ladder against it and climb over it with a bag of drugs, and they say something else about a “dipthong” being more than just lingerie that ladies swim in. Fake phonics! I like W because strong walls keep bad people out. W knows how to throw a few elbows and claim maximum personal space. W is also in the hotel business, so I have to admire that.

Y has the experience of a vowel, but with the fortitude of a consonant. Not only is Y going to be allowed in my administration, it will stand in for vowels if needed to make a word understandable. Y is going to work hard. Y is going to make us all proud. It’s going to be Yuge.

Which brings up another point. Are you kidding me with H? H is the weakest of the consonants. A total disaster. It is practically a vowel. H is for Hillary and Healthcare. Not interested. If H needs a C around to get even remotely hard, that’s not very manly, now is it?

I want all Americans to succeed — — but that can’t happen in a sentence or paragraph of lawless regulatory carnage. We must restore integrity and the letter of law to the law of our letters. After all, if I write “Dnld Trmp” you know exactly what kind of swell guy I am talking about, and no vowels were wasted in the process.

Thank you, God bless you, and God Bless the Ntd Stts f Mrc!