“Terrible” Terry Tate, The Office Linebacker, says he is suffering from CTE

9/13/2017 2:35pm

Dave Burkey

In a heart-wrenching sit down interview with ESPN’s Rachel Nichols, Terry Tate has disclosed that he has been suffering from the symptoms of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, commonly known as “CTE.”

“It all started a year or so ago. Nothing major, I just laid a big hit on somebody in the office. And when he got up, I didn’t even know what annoying office behavior I spear tackled him through a water cooler for. I had to apologize. I honestly felt pretty silly about it. If you yell ‘Choo-choo, the pain-train is coming’ at another grown man, you’d like to know why.” But things rapidly declined. “Before I knew it, I was showing up at the completely wrong office building. I’ll never forget the screams. Or maybe I will. Who knows at this point? But those people were terrified. They just woke up and came to work to try to sell computer parts or whatever and I came in there and I couldn’t stop hitting them. I had a job to do too, you know? At least I thought I did.”

The screams and broken bones added up and eventually the the Felcher & Sons company was forced to sack Tate. “A lot of lawsuits. Like a lot.” Tate said. “It turns out that even if your job description is to literally throw your body with reckless abandon into frail men who are telling one too many dad jokes to Courtney the receptionist, that doesn’t hold much water in a court of law.”

So what now? “I honestly try to stay home as much as possible. My mind isn’t what it was, but my body is still that of a terrifying professional athlete. I’m like a predatory cat. Any sudden movement and I’m wired to strike. My wife dragged me to our nephew’s track and field event thinking it might be nice to get me out of the house. The gun went off for that first race and I just flew out of the stands. Nobody finished.”

Tate said that he wishes to donate his brain to science in hopes that other office linebackers don’t have to go down the same road.