Ain’t Too Dumb to Doubt

David Campbell
Jul 27, 2017 · 7 min read

I am currently employed in what I’d call an OK job. It is not a hard job. I have a good amount of knowledge in my field, and so I am able to handle most anything that comes up without too much trouble. It does not pay as much as I’d like, but for the area I live in, it isn’t bad. I would say the best way to describe it would be “good enough”, and over the past few years, I’ve started thinking that “good enough” just isn’t cutting it any longer.

I will be 45 this year, so to say I’ve reached mid-life could be a stretch. I can only hope that I have at least as many years ahead of me as I have behind me at this point. That sort of realization starts to make some folks think about the life they have lived and the life they want to live going forward, and as it turns out, I am one of those folks. I know that if I want to stay in this position, it will probably always provide just enough financially, but it is never going to be anything more than that. And while the money is maybe not as important to me as job satisfaction, it would be nice to have a little bit more financial freedom to go along with the satisfaction of doing a job you enjoy.

When I look around at people who are successful financially, particularly the entrepreneurs, the one thing I see in common is that they all work hard for it. They give more than “just enough” to their job and it rewards them in kind. That is not to say that everyone who works hard at starting a business strikes it rich. Not every idea is a good one, and even the good ones don’t always reward you financially, no matter how hard you work at it. But the pattern seems to be that if you see an entrepreneur and they are financially secure, chances are, they are working hard to make it that way.

I have the project in mind that I want to tackle. I have rambled on and on about this project for months to anyone who would listen, and I have probably discussed it in some shape or form for years. So, you would think that I’d know how to just jump right in and get things going. I mean, I have the web skills that are needed. I know how to write well enough for what it is I’ll be doing, and I have a growing list of ideas of things to write about. So why do I find myself constantly paralyzed on the couch in the evenings staring at the ceiling thinking about all of this instead of burning through pencil lead and notebook paper and fighting finger cramps from typing and making it happen?

Well, your guess is likely as good as mine.

I have tried making lists of things that need to happen, and I have made those lists. They seem like good lists…useful lists. What those lists cannot do, however, is give me the knowledge I need on how to proceed forward in the right way…or the wrong way…or in any way…from where I am right now. I always equate projects like this with rolling a huge boulder up a hill. At some point, you are going to reach the top, push that big old rock over the peak, and off she goes. Momentum picks up, and before you know it, it is smashing anything that tries to get in its way.

The problem is, I’ve never really pushed that boulder all the way up there before. I’ve gotten close a few times, I’m pretty sure, but I’m positive that I’ve never pushed it over the peak and watched it go. And so maybe I’m afraid of what happens when I finally get up there on top with the big rock and am ready to push it on over. I am not what I’d call a “control freak”, but I like my chaos to at least be partially managed. I think part of my fear is just letting go and figuring this out along the way.

But what if it all moves too fast? Faster than I can figure out how to stay ahead of it? What if it starts rolling and I need it to change directions? Can the momentum be shifted without causing a catastrophe? I think at the heart of it, I feel like it is a good business idea that I have…I feel like it can be successful…and I feel like I will enjoy the hell out of it once I get it going. My worry isn’t so much that the business won’t be able to keep itself going. My worry is that I will be the weak link.

My worry is that the idea itself is good enough to be golden, but I am going to be the piece that holds it back…turns it in to lead…mainly because I don’t really know what it is like to ride that boulder down the hill. I only know how to push it (almost) to the top.

I heard someone once refer to another individual that had reached a decent level of success as being “too dumb to doubt himself”, and I knew immediately what he meant. I see folks that I think to myself have somehow succeeded in spite of themselves, while I’m sitting over here with what I think is the next great idea but am scared to death to do anything about it. So how do I push past that? How do I overcome that fear and just say, to hell with it, and let it take me where it takes me?

I understand that I need to be disciplined to make this a success…way more disciplined than I’ve ever been about anything. There can be no more waiting until the night before it is due to finish an assignment. This is going to require time management and commitment to organization of thought that I’ve never proven to myself or to anyone else that I actually possess. What if I can’t change these bad habits? There will be an awful lot riding on this project once it starts really moving.

And it won’t be just be me I’m letting down if it fails. I’m ready to start talking to other people about coming on board and getting involved. If I fail, I’ve failed them, as well, and I am not OK with that. But…is that motivation enough to keep me on top of it? Is that enough to drive me?

I doubt that I am the only one who has ever felt like this when their goal is right there within their reach. I have to believe that the fear I’m feeling is pretty normal for someone in my position. Starting your own business takes guts and brains and all sorts of other body parts to pull off. It would probably be stranger if it didn’t scare the hell out of me. I just wish that it wasn’t thoughts about ME being the weak link that worried me so much. Is it normal to doubt yourself THIS much?

My history with eating and exercise is not helping to encourage me that I am cut out for this. When I found out last year that I had high blood pressure, the doctor prescribed me medicine to control it and said that I needed to try and do more to improve my health. I came out of the gate strong by changing my eating and starting to exercise on a regular basis, two things I’d never really done in my whole life. But how long did that last? Well, roughly until the reading on that blood pressure monitor was in check. At that point, I shifted into an, “Oh well…the medicine has it locked down now” mode. That is not OK.

I don’t want to be a person that is permanently on medicine and worrying that every ache or pain or pressure is related to my health. I want to be a person who is healthy and fit and realizes that even though it isn’t going to be “fun”, doing the things that it takes to stay healthy means I will ultimately be living an overall better life, which is what I really want. But obviously, so far, I’m not willing to do the extra work it requires to make that happen. At least not consistently. Will this project be any different?

Will I come out of the gate strong, fueled by a desire to finally control my own financial future and find an enjoyment and satisfaction in my work that I’ve never really had and not everyone gets the luxury to enjoy? Will I stay on track at first, only to begin to falter after a little bit if the project actually IS showing signs of success? Will I start to slack on my deadlines…ease back on worrying about how much “buffer” content I need to have stockpiled in case it is an “off” month or I want to take a vacation of some sort? Will that crippling doubt be replaced by crippling confidence?

Am I willing…or better yet, capable…of actually committing to something that requires more than minimal or median effort and sticking with it for the long haul until that extra level of commitment just becomes second nature? And if I’m not, then why is that, and how do I fix it? Because right now, I’m ready to get this rock on up to the top of the hill and give it a little nudge.

I think I am just looking for some reassurance that I’m going to be able to keep it rolling once I do.

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