Doctor Who’s new Doctor is a woman and I am MAD

So, you might have heard — The Doctor is a woman now. That’s right. I know. Let it sink in. The lead actor in Doctor Who will be a woman, for the first time ever.

A WOMAN.

I am SO MAD.

Yet another show changing its main character to please the liberal PC snowflakes. Just like…er…

…there are LOADS OF EXAMPLES. I just can’t think of any right now. Anyway, I won’t be watching. As a straight white cis male, I require all content I watch to be about me specifically. What am I supposed to watch now?

My DVDs of every other series of Doctor Who since 1963?

Or maybe some other acclaimed shows heavily featuring straight white cis males: Mad Men, The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, Seinfeld, Friends, How I Met Your Mother and so many more on my DVD shelves? Sure.

Probably about 90% of all movies ever made? Of course.

But now, there is one thing that I simply CANNOT watch because there is a WOMAN playing a previously male lead character.

How can The Doctor even be a woman? He has always been a man. I can’t explain exactly why, but it is extremely important to people like me that a fictional alien being with two hearts also has a penis. As long as, y’know, I don’t have to see it.

You wanna know how bad it’s getting? The other day I was flicking through the TV channels and half-caught glimpses of three or four shows with leads who weren’t white, straight, cis males. I used to have literally MILLIONS of hours of programming that spoke to my identity and way of life. If this continues, in a few years I’ll be down to mere THOUSANDS, or worse, just HUNDREDS of hours of content catering directly to ME.

And what about the children? My son used to love dressing up as The Doctor on Halloween, but now he can’t because she is a WOMAN! So what’s he left with? Just Superman, Batman, The Flash, Frodo, Gandalf, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, Iron Man, Captain America, Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader…you get the idea. He has hardly any. Meanwhile, people’s daughters can parade around as Wonder Woman, that girl from the new Star Wars (I didn’t see it, it had a woman and a black man as the leads, and I heard one of the white leads might’ve been GAY) and now The Doctor. THREE. You see that women are infecting pop culture everywhere, right?

And sure, there are some people saying that maybe the new Doctor was chosen because of her previous work. Maybe her performances in Attack The Block (didn’t watch it; a woman and a black guy as the leads? Un-relatable) or Broadchurch (didn’t watch it, too many women) meant she got the role. Maybe she did a really good audition. But personally, I doubt it. I may have never seen her work but I bet she’s nowhere near as talented an actor as that white bloke from the BT adverts who everyone thought would get the job. Besides, if women were as good at acting as men, how come they only make up about 12% of lead actors in films? Clearly, the only reason we need women in movies and TV is to play uncomfortably young love interests to ageing men.

And so, affirmative action, or something, gets us here. Even though I haven’t seen a single MINUTE of an episode, I just KNOW Doctor Who is RUINED forever. I’ll be watching something else on Saturday nights. Meanwhile, you can watch a doctor filling the TARDIS with shoes and decorative bowls filled with po pouri and cushions bloody everywhere. She probably won’t even fight the Darleks because she’ll be in a mood about a boy not texting her back, I bet.


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