My Experience of The Hoffman Process

I did The Hoffman Process, a 7-day residential personal growth retreat, from May 6–12, 2023. For context, I have done many personal growth and transformation programs, as well as a number of medicine journeys, over the last decade or so. I have also been practicing as a Conscious Leadership Coach for the last 15 years. So, this is from the perspective of someone who’s been deeply committed to personal and spiritual growth for a long time. I intentionally left out details of the experience and exercises that wouldn’t make sense out of context or that I thought might take away from your experience if you end up doing the Process. Here was my experience with Hoffman:

My initial intentions were to:

• experience an even deeper level of peace, aliveness, freedom
• bring more play and lightness into my life (joie de vivre)
• cultivate a more consistent connection to Source/Oneness, including receiving clear guidance on a daily basis
• let go of any remaining anger and resentment around my father and stepmother, as well as my mother and stepfather
• gain more clarity of purpose and the freedom and courage to play the biggest game I can and have the impact I want to have on the world
• and, to discover a powerful, immersive personal growth program that I could wholeheartedly recommend to clients from my firsthand experience

I went into the Process excited about it and also a bit skeptical. I was imagining it would be similar to my experience of the Landmark Forum and that I likely already knew or had done much of what we would be doing.

I was blown away by the experience. I’ll first share the core frameworks, and then my personal experience with the Process.

The Frameworks

Negative Love Syndrome

The core framework is called the Negative Love Syndrome and is described well in Bob Hoffman’s essay A Path to Personal Freedom and Love and in this video Explaining the Negative Love Syndrome. The essay begins with “In the depths of their being, everyone understands that love is the essence of a fulfilling life.” I agree. I believe we are, at our essence, pure love. As Bob says in the essay:

“For thousands of years, human beings have attempted to understand and come to terms with the mystery of life and of creation itself. One enduring notion maintains that the source of everything is a non-physical, intelligent, loving spirit or being, and that we are connected to that spirit… Human beings have always searched for ways to connect and to have communion with this presence. They have used many names to describe this experience. Some call it God; some call it the Infinite. Many describe the experience of it as ecstasy, joy, clarity, bliss, inner peace, wholeness, and love. Even a moment of such an experience can be life transforming… The experience is often reported as being a powerful, brilliant — though not blinding — pure light where fear of death is eased. Much has been written about those who, near death, recall emerging from darkness into a magnificent, loving light, with peace and love awaiting them. Many people have searched for ways to connect and have communion with this Light through various forms of spiritual practice. In 1976, I came to understand that because we are of this Light, we should be able to communicate and make contact with it directly and at will, without intermediaries.” [emphasis added]

The most important thing I got from the Process was this — the ability and tools to consistently communicate and make contact with this Light within myself (I can feel it right now as I’m writing).

The Negative Love Syndrome describes what gets in the way of our connection to this inner Light. In Bob’s words:

“Among mammals, humans require the longest period of care and nurture until they achieve independence. In our early years, our survival depends on intensive and continuing physical and emotional parental care. As a result, children need to feel that they will not be abandoned and that they are loved and valued by their parents or parental figures. In fact, as newborn babies, love and affection are as vital to us as food and shelter. In order to thrive, we need a continuous flow of unconditional love from Mother and Father… In every situation that we, as children, experienced our parents’ love being cut off (e.g., through depression, anger, abandonment, death), or their love becoming conditional, the parental bond was broken for us. We felt unlovable, as if a part of us had suffocated and died. The basic cause of our inability to relate to ourselves and others with love is this very state of feeling unlovable, which I call negative love.

To understand how this feeling of unlovability leads to negative programming, we have to see the world through the eyes of a child, the child we once were before we had any choice or options, before we had a mediating intellect. As we looked to have our need for love met exclusively within the family, parental abandonment or rejection literally raised the fear of death for the helpless, dependent child. So, as children, we emotionally emulated (i.e., adopted and internalized) our parents’ negativities in order to guarantee the continuing protection against abandonment or rejection by our parents. Children cannot recognize or acknowledge the inadequacies and faults of their parents, because that recognition would evoke unbearable anxiety…

Our early experience with our parents has a profound effect on our lives, shaping our self-image, attitudes, moods, and behaviors. We develop our survival strategies and life orientations as a result of our conditioning. Not only are we unable to recognize or acknowledge our parents’ faults and their abuse of us, we imitate their faults and inadequacies (attitudes, moods, and behaviors) in order to be accepted by them... [emphasis added]

Of course we are not our parents, but what then drives the powerful unconscious compulsion to be like them? It is the primitive but innocent attempt to end the sense of separation from them that we experienced as children when they were being negative. This occurred unconsciously. Knowing no better, we adopted their patterns as our own. We wanted to be like them so we could earn their acceptance and love. The Negative Love Syndrome is the adoption of the negative behaviors, moods, attitudes, and admonitions (overt and silent) of our parents to secure their love. It includes the subsequent compulsive acting out or rebellion against those negative traits throughout our adult lives.” [emphasis added]

So, when our parents were acting out their negative (not loving) patterns and we felt a sense of separation from them, we innocently and unconsciously adopted their negative patterns in an attempt to feel connected and loved. And those negative (not loving) patterns get in the way of us relating to ourselves and others with love; connecting with our inner Light (“spiritual self”).

The Process helps you release these patterns and connect directly to your spiritual self. In Bob’s words: “Your negative love patterns, though learned and adopted, can be unadopted. Your essence, your true reality, is like a brilliant diamond. It has never been lost — only covered and hidden, coated with the dirt and grime of negative parental conditioning.”

The Quadrinity

The other key framework is the Quadrinity. In fact, The Hoffman Process used to be called The Hoffman Quadrinity Process. The Quadrinity is a term coined by Bob Hoffman that represents the four aspects of a human being: the Emotional, Intellectual, Physical, and Spiritual. “The unique capacities and functions of each aspect can be considered separately, but it is the balance of all aspects working together harmoniously that fulfills us as human beings.”

Most people are out of balance and experience inner conflict between their intellect, body and emotional self — and are cut off from their spiritual self. The manifestations of this show up as body pain, injuries, and sickness, as well as negative moods, attitude and behaviors. The Process gives you a chance to get into balance, reflect on this inner conflict and bring these different aspects into harmony.

Left Road | Right Road

They also use the metaphor of a left road and right road. The left road is when you’re following your compulsive, automatic reactive patterns. The right road is where you’re choosing or responding from Spirit / Love / Presence (similar to Below the Line and Above the Line in the Conscious Leadership framework). We had a chance to reflect on when we’re choosing the left road or right road, and imagine the rest of our lives going down the left road or the right road to get present to the cost of these patterns, and the potential of transcending them.

Be > Do > Have

Most people approach life through the formula Do > Have > Be. If I Do abc, then I’ll Have xyz and then I’ll Be (happy, fulfilled, etc.). It doesn’t work. So instead of focusing on the doing and having, start by focusing on who you’re Being. In Hoffman, the focus is on Being your Essence / Spiritual Self and the natural qualities of your Essence / Spiritual Self will arise with it (strong, peaceful, joyful, alive, clear, etc.). From that way of being, you’ll do and have what’s aligned with your true self.

The Cycle of Transformation

The Cycle of Transformation is the process of transforming negative patterns into new ways of being; releasing negative patterns and operating from your Essence. It consists of four steps:

• Awareness
• Expression (using intention, voice and body to say “No” to the pattern and “Yes” to what we are moving toward. Patterns live in the body as trapped energy that needs to be released.)
• Compassion & forgiveness
• New ways of being

My Personal Experience

My Patterns

Much of the focus of the Process is on discovering and releasing your negative love patterns. Interestingly, I discovered that my core pattern is believing that “spirit isn’t real” and that cuts off my connection to Spirit at the knees. By naming that belief as a negative pattern and using the tools to release the pattern, I was able to directly experience myself as Spirit embodied in a way that I have only experienced in rare moments, and mostly during medicine journeys. I’m very excited to have a consistent, reliable way to release the blocks to Spirit and experience it directly in any moment. This was a significant breakthrough for me.

I also saw tens if not, hundreds of other patterns that get in the way of my connection to Spirit day in and day out, and did work to release them. They include:

• Spirit isn’t real, don’t be naive
• You can’t access or feel Spirit without a retreat or drugs
• In case you’re wrong about Spirit being real, you better have money and status to make you safe, worthy and happy
• Money and status make you safe, worthy and happy
• Don’t talk about spirituality, people will think you’re weird or naive
• Needing to do it right
• Judging myself and others
• Expecting greatness and extraordinary results (not appreciating myself for it and being disappointed if anything less)
• Post game review where I judge what I should have done differently
• “I should be feeling something different than this”
• “I’m confused” (confusion arises from not being connected to my authentic inner wisdom)
• Oh no, I lost it (connection to Source)
• It won’t last (the goodness, connection to Source)
• Checking my phone to feel a sense of connection or aliveness (dopamine as a cheap substitute for aliveness)
• Overly relying on my intellect, “figuring out” what to do (versus asking Spirit)
• Something is missing / not quite right
• This isn’t how I imagined it
• I already know this (no curiosity, openness)
• This isn’t working for me
• Craving sugar (as a substitute for the sweet comfort of Spirit)
• I’m entitled to…
• Snacking btw meals (to avoid the emptiness of disconnection from Spirit)
• Grinding my teeth at night
• Judging my body (belly is too fat)
• Judging my face (acne scars are ugly)
• Stay in bed
• I’m tired
• Focus on making money (to fill the void of safety/happiness)
• Do I / will I look good?
• Comparing what I have to others who have “more”
• Judging people by how much money or success they have
• Using exercise to feel endorphin high (as substitute for Spirit high)
• Expect to be fired (when client says “there’s something I want to talk to you about…”)
• Focusing on the negative
• Feeling superior
• Being “in my head” / not present
• Feeling numb / can’t access joy
• Fear of failing and making mistakes (and not taking risks bc of it)
• Self-centered (bc I’m busy trying to figure out how to fill the void of disconnection from Spirit)
• Lack of gratitude and appreciation for myself and what I have / expect greatness by default
• Not speaking my truth / withholding
• Avoid someone to avoid discomfort / conflict avoidant
• Comparing my experience to some ideal version my mind makes up
• Anxious
• Indecisive
• Repress anger / don’t notice or hold boundaries
• Need to be liked
• Self critical
• Hypersensitive — I’m feeling slightly off; what do I do?!???
• Magical thinking (I’m going to save the whole world myself!)
• Depression
• Prudish
• Impatient (send text while driving)
• Scarcity of time, money

And my core shame message:

• I’m a broken, flawed, pathetic, unworthy, unlovable loser.

My Parents

By having the chance to deeply reflect on my parents’ life experiences, I was able to develop a deeper level of empathy and compassion for my father, stepmom, mother, and stepfather, to forgive everything from the past, and clear out the remaining resentment that I was feeling. I now experience only compassion and love for all of them. They say in Hoffman that “resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” I’ve let go of the poison and feel the lightness of having released that resentment.

My Intellect

I experienced firsthand what happens when my Intellect dominates while I’m considering an idea or making a choice. It asks things like:

• is this the ‘the right choice’?
• how will this make me look?
• what will people think?
• what will the impact or outcome be?

Engaging with these questions gets in the way of me hearing the guidance of Spirit, and being courageous. In one particular moment, I recognized this occurring and the fear in my body that I was feeling. I heard my Spirit say ‘just do it and see what happens’. I experienced a heightened level of aliveness and realized how enlivening being courageous is for me. I realized that most of the time, I’ve been making decisions from my Intellect without listening to my Body, Emotions and Spirit.

My Emotional Child

During the Process, you recognize that your emotional self tends to be childish. It has no sense of time or space, and regularly regresses to younger ages where it wasn’t allowed to be fully expressed. Through a number of playful exercises, I had the chance to let my emotional child out to play and really experience how uninhibited, silly, funny and playful I can be.

I learned about the conflict between my intellect (“you’re too emotional, you’re messing up my plans”) and my emotional child (you’re too outcome focused, you’re getting in the way of letting me feel my feelings, and our joy and play). I was able to heal it and make a truce between them, and my mind has felt quieter since.

My Body

I realized how much I judge and shame my body rather than appreciate it. I also see how my disconnection from Spirit causes me to engage in patterns (like eating sugar and snacking) that aren’t healthy for my body (and then blaming my body for being fat :).

My Essence / Spiritual Self

I also discovered, directly and experientially, some of the qualities of my spiritual essence, including:

• peace
• curiosity
• openness
• lightness
• freedom
• strength
• leadership
• courage
• clarity
• devotion
• compassion
• power
• joy
• aliveness
• fierce love

Most importantly, I feel a connection to this part of myself and have the tools to continue to connect with it.

My Vow

During the Process, I had a chance to make a vow to myself:

• I will stay connected with my spiritual Self
• I will let Spirit guide me
• I will cultivate compassion and let go of judgment
• I will see the divine light in each and every human being
• I will remember that I am the light, I am love, I am loving, and I am lovable
• I will teach my children and others to connect with their spiritual selves, and to feel the love inside, so they don’t need anything from outside themselves to feel loved and fulfilled
• I claim my freedom to be my true self, led by love, free of the past and any patterns from my parents or ancestors
• I will feel divine light coursing through my veins
• I will own my strength and power, dream my biggest dreams, and have the courage to follow them
• I will play full out and be fully alive (joie de vivre)
• I will love fiercely
• I will create peace on Earth, one open heart, one connected spirit, at a time.

The Process continues

I’m writing this on May 15, just three days after completing the Process. My sense is that the Process will continue, in the sense that I will continue to notice negative patterns and use my tools to release them and return to Being Love / Essence. In some ways, this is similar to the work of noticing when I’m Below the Line and practicing shifting Above the Line. What feels most new is the use of the Expression tools to release the Below the Line patterns, and the use of the Light visualization and embodiment tools to directly connect to my Essence. I also feel that the work I did over the 7 days (and I played FULL OUT) helped to shake up and release a lot of old patterns that are no longer with me or are much easier to notice and shift, helped me access my playful emotional child, and that releasing my resentment toward my parents has left me lighter, more free and closer to Essence more of the time. One of the things I have been playing small around is avoiding talking about Spirit out of fear of seeming too woo woo. In writing this, I’m stepping into my courage and am excited to continue to stand for the difference I truly want to make: waking people up to their true nature as Love.