Latter-day Climate Prophet Ivar “Fuck The 97%” Giaever Lets Humanity Off The Hook

This just in from Nobel laureate Ivar Giaever — President Obama is dead wrong on climate change!

That’s right , sports fans— fuck Obama, and fuck the alleged 97% of commie pinko climate scientists who say climate change is a real thing. Less than 24 hours after a bunch of Chicken Little knotheads tried to scare the shit out of everyone by signing a symbolic bullshit declaration, from out of fucking nowhere Ivar Giaever whipped out some epic John Holmes-style phallo-scientific muscle and put the smackdown on everyone.

So what does that mean for Joe and Mary 6-Pack?

It means we can all rest easy, have a big fat steak, trade those hybrids in for coal rollers, say fuck-all to the bed-wetting, tree-hugging, freedom-hating naysayers, and get back to the business of being Americans.

That’s right folks, in the name of Ivar Glaevar and all the brave young souls that have died on countless battlefields around the world and throughout history to secure our beloved rights and freedoms, let us place our hands upon our hearts and solemnly affirm, with one unified voice:

The right to remain silent.

The right to remain asleep.

The right to stitch our eyes shut with threads of ignorance and fear.

The right to remain exhausted.

The right to remain distracted.

The right to remain medicated by officially sanctioned agents of the state.

The right to exhaust ourselves every day feeding the machine that’s eating the world.

The right to remain captives to a collapsing system.

The right to remain deluded.

The right to embrace endless nested dissonances.

The right to reject science.

The right to embrace myth and superstition.

The right to perpetual surveillance.

The right to be jerked around by artificially engineered fears.

The right to keep blowing ourselves to bits because we’re too blind to see what’s really going on.

The right to keep whipping dead horses of every conceivable size, shape and color.

The right to keep laughing hysterically as our collective demise unfolds before our fucking eyes.

The right to remain stupefied and perplexed in the face of it all.

The right to keep blaming everyone and everything for our woes except the bloated, malignant system we inhabit.

The right to keep masturbating ourselves with toxic fictions as the ship goes down.

The right to keep pumping even though you know it’ll never be enough.

The right to be shackled to more debt that we will ever be able to repay.

The right to more Black Fridays.

More Super Bowls.

More Dancing With The Stars.

More all you can eat buffets.

More of Kim Kardashian’s ass.

More Duck Dynasties.

More endless traffic jams.

More corporate prisons.

More Facebook likes.

More burning churches.

More tailgate parties.

More drones.

More porn.

More eating contests.

More killer cops.

More Frankenfood.

More selfies.

More, flatter screens.

More cellular minutes.

More frequent flyer miles.

More energy drinks.

More bandwidth.

More endless shiny distractions.

More toxic filth shat into the earth, sea and sky.

More misplaced hope and faith in a political system wholly owned by the corporate state.

More of this world-eating air-conditioned Malthusian nightmare that never sleeps.

Thank you, Ivar Giaever, for calling bullshit on the 97% climate alarmist charlatans, letting Humanity off the hook and allowing us all a few more precious minutes at the divine trough of plenty.

May future mutant insect historians embrace you as the heroic, forward-thinking revolutionary you truly are.

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