Comey-tose: Things I thought while reading the news this week.
Donald Trump is the equivalent of the OJ White Ford Bronco chase if it lasted for 110 days.
Consider this: Comey is 6’ 8. He was fired the moment he shook Trump’s hand.
This week, Apple got into the business of analyzing your sleep by acquiring a company called Beddit. (Funny, I slept just fine before I got my iPhone…)
Trump is obstructing justice and Jeff Sessions wants you in jail for smoking a joint.
Vice President Pence went horseback riding and chose this Reagan quote to share: “I’ve often said there’s nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.” If that’s the quote he chose, his wife shouldn’t let him be with a horse without her present.
Trump only likes to stay in places that he owns. He should build a federal
Donald Trump was more respectful when he fired Gary Busey than he was when he fired James Comey.
It took just over a hundred days to elicit this response to the idea of The Rock running for president: “Hmm. Yeah, sounds good actually.”
Imagine this conversation at a University: “Hey, we just landed a keynote speaker for graduation!!!” Oh, great!! Who? “Betsy DeVos…”
I guarantee that inside his own head, Trump has floated the idea of Bill O’Reilly as White House press secretary.
America is being turned into United Airlines.
This week’s most popular addition to Tinder profiles: “I’m sort of a Sally Yates type.”
I’d estimate that about 20% of the Secret Service is dedicated to protecting Trump’s remote control.
Kissinger just trolled the shit out of us, bro.
Someone sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds just hacked like half the world.
Trump’s Secret Service code name is the sound of America crying.
There’s a good chance that Comey will testify in public in the next week or so. If he does, it will get better ratings than the M*A*S*H finale.
In a weird twist, Donald Trump will get the last laugh by holding his impeachment hearings at Mar a Lago.
Early in the week, an adult film star faked a shark attack because she wanted to have a viral video. Even weirder, like every guy you know got a little hard reading that story.
Here’s bummer. In Federal prison, no scoops of ice cream.
“When you’re press secretary, they let you do it. Just hide in the bushes. You can do anything.”
This is like Watergate, except Trump is his own Deep Throat.
Wait, so gay people can’t get married but Mike Pence wax poetic about having a horse inside him?
In retrospect, this all would have been way easier if Trump just shot the person on Fifth Avenue.
I’m envious of people with better Dove bottle shapes than mine.
62,979,636 voted for this guy.