I write this to thank Apple for changing its music pricing policy, to announce that I will be streaming my new album on their upcoming music service, and to provide an explanation to those remaining institutions from which I will still be withholding my album, 1989.
First, to the Israelis and Palestinians who seem unable to get over their bad relationship, I have to say, sorry: No peace, no 1989. Seriously, have you considered just writing a breakup song about each other and moving on? (Come on, even me and Jake Gyllenhaal get along at this point.)
Second, to the lawmakers at the South Carolina Statehouse, if you expect to stream my music, you’ll have to take down that ridiculous Confederate Flag. This is not about me. Thankfully I am on my fifth album and can support myself, my band, crew, and entire management team by playing live shows. This is about Black people. And white racists who don’t care about Black people. It’s time to move on folks. My album is not named 1889. And neither is the current year, even in South Carolina. Even Lynrd Skynrd thinks it’s time to take down the flag.
Third, to those Twitter users who insist on putting a RT in front of someone else’s tweet instead of just retweeting it the proper way, get over yourself and your cheap attempts to steal credit from others. Kanye West has better social skills than you do.
Fourth, Donald Trump, you will never be allowed to listen to anything beyond my first two albums. Even if you apologize for your candidacy, and your business practices, and your ego, and your public life. (Same thing goes for Kim Jung Un and John Mayer.)
Fifth, Climate Change Deniers and Anti-Vaxxers, you’re gonna need to crossover to the enlightened side of modern debates if you ever want to hear a new song from this crossover artist again.
Sixth, United Airlines, there’s a reason I fly private. And even if you had WiFi on your flights, you still wouldn’t be allowed to stream 1989.
Seventh, NRA and right wing gun law freaks, that sound you hear rattling in your head might be gunshot echoes or it might be your own conscience. But here’s one thing it won’t be: My new album.
Eighth, Congress, consider this simple fact: Iggy Azalea is still more popular than you. And her last single is the closest you’ll come to streaming my music on Capitol Hill.
Ninth, while I appreciate Apple’s generosity and flexibility, if you want my next album too, we’re gonna need one more change… Spare laptop power cord: $9.99. Tops.
Tenth, sign up for NextDraft from Dave Pell. I promise, you’ll never write a break-up song about that. (And I’m looking at you, Beyonce.)