Masturbating By Midnight

A quick response to the modern dating culture.

“Hookup culture, which has been percolating for about a hundred years, has collided with dating apps, which have acted like a wayward meteor on the now dinosaur-like rituals of courtship.” In other words, it’s never been easier to get laid. In Vanity Fair, Nancy Jo Sales provides an update on the state of Tinder and the dawn of the dating apocalypse. According to John, a 26 year-old marketing exec: “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.”

Here are the first 10 responses to John that popped into my head.

  1. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (If I go to my phone right now, I’m not even sure I could find a partner for Words with Friends by midnight.)
  2. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (I’ve never even been that sure about masturbation.)
  3. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (The wedding toast pretty much writes itself.)
  4. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (I said the same thing recently, but I was talking about midnight 2018.)
  5. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (Donald Trump thinks that quote is over the top.)
  6. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (Isn’t finding someone the easy part?)
  7. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (You’d better beat the midnight deadline because that’s when this this issue of Vanity Fair hits the shelves.)
  8. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (You know what else has become easy? Hating young people.)
  9. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (Things have changed. In my day it took until nearly 1:00am to get sex.)
  10. “Sex has become so easy. I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.” (Fuck you, John.)

On the off chance John is not having sex right now, he should sign up for NextDraft, an orgasmic look at the day’s most fascinating news.