Six Ways the World Could End

Considering the end of humanity.

1. A giant asteroid, a mile wide, could collide with Earth. The odds are low. But that fact will provide little solace as buildings are flattened, trees are felled, oceans bubble over, fires sweep the land, and the lucky people are liquified, while the others are torn apart by hurtling debris before hurricane force winds blow what’s left of their bone-dust to nevermore. On the plus side, the end of human consciousness will also mean an end to humanity’s most perplexing and frustrating question: “How did a guy like Mark Cuban make all that money?”

2. Climate Change could cause melting ice, rising seas, catastrophic weather patterns, and increasingly unbreathable air that would gradually push humans into smaller and smaller livable areas until there would only be room for two people and one snorkel. They would not resolve the issue amicably. Most scientists believe that in this scenario, the climate change deniers would be the first to perish. (Ted talk presenters would be next).

3. In the near future, we will be able to reprogram cells, print organs, and manipulate DNA. So will the bad guys. A group of nefarious but talented terrorists/futurists could unleash an epidemic-causing virus that spreads more quickly than they anticipated, leaving humankind strewn, lifeless, throughout the planet, and the mastermind plotters left, with their final breaths, to ponder the sad and final realization that, in this case, the phrase, “this one goes to eleven” was not all that funny.

4. The Singularity is near. Our robots will be better and stronger and smarter (and significantly more well-endowed) than us — sadly, this will even hold true for those who have consumed quinoa. Artificial intelligence will overtake human intelligence. In short, your Roomba is going to fuck your shit up.

5. Gamma ray bursts, black holes, super volcano eruptions, solar storms, nuclear war, the Kardashians. Each, deadly powerful on its own. Together? The reality show known as life on Earth will be officially cancelled.

6. A social networking company could buy a messaging app for $19 billion.