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10 Reasons Apple Will Buy (I mean bought) Beats

I think. Therefore I am. I think about tech. And therefore I need an Apple-Beats article like everyone else. So put on something old school on your turntable and let’s do this. Here’s why Apple is buying Beats.

1. Apple totally missed, ignored, doubted, and/or disparaged the subscription music model that the rest of us saw as the obvious next (dub)step in the evolution of music. The penalty for being wrong on that: $3.2 billion.

2. Carplay: Apple is in a heated race to own your dashboard. With Beats, Apple is now able to deliver just about every sound through your car speakers: They own the podcast app, they own the custom radio feed, they own the subscription music on demand. All that’s left is for Tim Cook to flip the bird to drivers who cut you off in traffic.

3. I don’t like the sound of Beats. But they accomplished something pretty amazing. They turned headphones into fashion. And they are cool. And that’s worth a lot. And remember, Apple’s new head of retail is former Burberry CEO Angela Ahrendts. That hire was a clear sign that at Apple, fashion now matters.

4. Many Beats headphones require a battery. This battery, I think, will eventually be used to power a wireless, always-on connection. Your headphones will be the speakers and the receiver rolled into one. No cord. No device. (While they’re at it, they might throw in their much anticipated FitBit competitor.) People talk about the future of wearable computing. You’ve been wearing it for years, you just didn’t realize it.

5. Steve Jobs was the greatest tech dude ever. But he was wrong about music in a couple key ways. He missed the subscription boat. He always hated the idea of automated musical taste matching. You know who understands music? The Beats team. Jimmy Iovine is as connected as anyone in music.

6. Guess what’s about to come between Android users and their heads?

7. Beats headphones don’t sound that great. But they make up for it in volume.

8. Yes, it’s Apple’s biggest acquisition. But it’s small by tech standards. For $3.2 billion, they could have purchased a sixth of Whatsapp. This is $2 million less than Yahoo paid for Besides, Apple is the one company in the world that can say they spent $3.2 billion because they needed a write-off.

9. Your mom has the same earbuds as you do. You need more bass. So does Apple.

10. Think Samsung’s gonna want to fuck with Dre?

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