Trump’s Unabridged Health Assessment
- Mr. Trump’s blood pressure is 125/85. That’s well within the acceptable range. Although, it did go up slightly when it was suggested that he remove his hazmat suit for the checkup, and he responded, “I’m not wearing a hazmat suit. I’m naked.”
- Mr. Trump’s cholesterol levels are fairly low for a man his age. However, his skin is discolored and more of something we might expect to see on Ernie from Ernie and Bert (if Ernie wanted to build a wall to keep Mexicans out).
- He is about average in terms of weight and general fitness. Additionally, his skin color is a cross between Garfield’s fur, the shorts they wear at Hooter’s, and the lower half of one of Guy Fieri’s shirts.
- He has Cutis Aliquam. (For those who don’t speak Latin … You know Carrot Top? Imagine Carrot Face.)
- Our staff dermatologist noticed no abnormal growths — and added that if Mr. Trump’s skin were a homeland security threat level, it would suggest a High Risk of a Terrorist Attack.
- It was suggested that Mr. Trump could improve his diet which consists of Cheese Balls, Doritos, Cheese Goldfish, Cheetos, Oranges, Orange Juice, and Orange Soda (and the one taco bowl).
- Trump is the New Black. (But, he wanted us to point out, not in the African-American sense — though African Americans love him and say he’s fantastic.)
- The patient is orange.