TrumpWeek: News You Wish Was Fake

Let’s get real…

  1. Trump says he think torture works, but he’ll defer to Secretary of Defense Mattis (who knows it doesn’t work, because it doesn’t). I have two initial reactions. First, But you’re the president!!! Second,Thank god. Seriously, thank god.
  2. Ever think the whole Trump presidency is a plot to save Twitter?
  3. Pssst. Hey. They’re refugees because they’re victims of terror.
  4. How can the media keep its mouth shut when Trump keeps making their jaws drop?
  5. What does Trump know about torture. He’s never even tortured anyone. (Other than every person in America who hasn’t resorted to sticking their fingers in their ears and humming la, la, la, I can’t hear you for a week straight.)
  6. So you’ve got a lot of young, Muslim refugees who want to come to America to flee a horror show in Syria. And you single them out, block their access because of their religion, and leave them in refugee camps where they slowly start to build up an animosity for the US. Now they’re hopeless, angry, and looking for something to believe in. And guess who is hiring in the neighborhood? See, it’s bad for ethical reasons. And it’s bad for security reasons. It also makes America look like a complete dick.
  7. This week, I sent my kid to his room for acting presidential.
  8. Kiss up to Russia. Piss off your neighbors in Mexico. Suggest that they’ll pay for the wall via a tax that would actually be paid by American consumers (The Art of the Deal, eh?). Then smooth things out with a call with Peña Nieto that reportedly lasted an hour. Nieto should get Presidential Medal of Freedom just for being able to stay on the phone that long. Can you imagine how many times he had to hear the words total disaster? Just to fuck with Trump, I hope the Mexican President called collect.
  9. At one point during the crisis, Trump angrily threw all his toys into Mexico.
  10. Sean Spicer famously swallows at least a couple packs of gum every single day. But so far, he can’t get the American people to swallow anything. (In fairness to Sean, it’s not an easy gig. Think of those times when you’ve had to work for a really crazy supervisor.)
  11. That thing with Bernhard Langher and the voting fraud. I mean, are you kidding me?
  12. During his first week in the Oval Office, which did The President of the United States say more: True statements or lies. You’d definitely have to go back and look at the tapes and add it all up to be sure of the answer.
  13. Picture this: Trump restrained in the Anthony Hopkins straight jacket/mask combo, being wheeled out of the White House on a dolly while repeating: “I still can’t believe how many millions of people were at my inauguration.” Would that scene surprise anyone, in the least? Think about it. Donald Trump’s weird behavior stands out… on Twitter.
  14. While reflecting on his own comments in front of a sacred wall at the CIA, Trump compared his standing ovation favorably with the one received by Peyton Manning. Funny he should mention Peyton Manning because when I realized how fucking insane that is, I immediately bought more life insurance from Nationwide.
  15. If I had the chance to talk to Peter Thiel, I’d ask him two questions: “Do you still think we shouldn’t have taken Trump literally?” And “What’s that red liquid in your mug?”
  16. We know one thing for sure: Trump is not rich. We know that because he says he is.
  17. Admit it. You miss 2016.
  18. What’s the over-under on how long it takes for Putin to laugh out loud during his call with Trump?
  19. The two groups of people I feel most sorry for are the permanent White House staff and the citizens of whichever country he nukes.
  20. Trump’s first week in office gives new meaning to the phrase: Presidential Fitness Test.
  21. You know that feeling when you consider yourself a real ladies man, and then millions of women march to proclaim their opposition to you? Sucks, am I right?
  22. Trump said one truthful thing this week. When asked about the being in charge of the nuclear codes, he admitted. “It’s very, very scary, in a sense.” Never thought I’d say this, but I’m with Trump.

Dave Pell is the Internet’s Managing Editor … Seriously.

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