What is Twitter For?

With Twitter suffering from executive turnover and stock market turmoil, I thought this would be an ideal time to answer a longstanding question among the many Internet users who still don’t use the service.

What is Twitter for?

Well, let me try to explain this in the most simple terms.

Let’s say you’re dating a famous musical artist. And it turns out that this musical artist (in addition to thinking of himself as the greatest musical artist in the history of the world, and also as the inventor of leather jogging pants), sort of likes it when, during playful physical interactions, you shove a finger or three into his ass and manipulate them in such a way to cause great happy feelings.

Now let’s say, you’ve broken up with this musical artist, and a few years go by, and one day he has major, public beef with another rapper — even though, as he learns later, this beef was baseless because what he thought was the other rapper’s slight against his current wife was actually a reference to a type of pot that shares her initials.

In this beef, he ominously warns the rapper: “Don’t ever come out the side of your neck at me.” (Again, it’s important to note that this was all a misunderstanding and the other rapper most certainly did not come out of the side of his neck at the musical artist, but merely came out of the front of his face at some smokeable marijuana.)

And here’s where it gets interesting. The musical artist, in what turns out to be a confused rage based largely on this neck business, also makes several not so subtle digs at you (whose only crime was to make even less subtle digs at him, only upon request).

What’s your recourse?

Thankfully, that question is not rhetorical. You can enter the fray, which by this time, you, the musical artist, and the rapper know was started because of a silly misinterpretation; but that still resulted in some pretty significant unpleasantries and a few hurt feelings. You are empowered to give your side of the story. And you should! What, after all, was your offense in all this? That you used your fingertip to gently draw circles around the musical artist’s sphincter before massaging your way to a pleasure center which, while somewhat mysterious, is a scientific reality that even climate change deniers don’t dare deny; and which now we know, was the likely inspiration for the musical artist’s number one hit, Gold Digger.

Anyway, onward and upward, as they say.

In the past, you may have never heard about this affront or the damage to your reputation. And you very likely would have no platform via which you could respond.

But this is where a well-designed Internet product can be so fulfilling.

You can make it clear to the musical artist that his rage was not only misguided, but that it may very well have been unconsciously driven by the fact that he — for quite obvious reasons — laments that you are no longer around to provide a service that anyone in their right mind would miss. Or to put it more succinctly, you can tell the world, in no uncertain terms, that the real root of the problem is that the musical artist is mad because you’re not around to play in his asshole anymore, or in layperson’s terms, that he is behaving like a FingersInTheBootyAssBitch.

That’s what Twitter is for.

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