We Do Not See Things as They Are, We See Things as We Are.
Seven ways to avoid the narrative and see a situation for what it really is.
People misinterpret messages all the time. I have, you have, your friends have, we all have, maybe even with each other.
We try and convince ourselves that it’s because we can’t hear the tone, see the facial expressions or read the body language. These could all be true, but it’s more than that. The more significant issue is we’re particularly weak at seeing a situation for what it is.
We try to add a narrative to fit with how we’re feeling — quite often with disastrous consequences.
“We Do Not See Things as They Are, We See Things as We Are” — Anaïs Nin
The real meaning and intentions behind a text or e-mail are often lost on us because we let our feelings, attitudes and pre-conceptions mislead us. It happens a lot. The way we think about money, relationships, health, education, religion, politics is all dictated by who we are and our internal belief system that has been developing since a very young age.
Trying to Sell a £10 Note for £1 Is Harder than You Think.
On an episode of The Tim Ferris Show, Seth Godin told a short marketing story that sums it up well.
It went something like this.
Imagine, late one evening you’re waiting at the bus stop and a man with a hood on walks over with a crisp £10 note and offers it to you for £1. It’s an absolute bargain on the surface, but you choose not to accept it. It sounds too good to be true, and as Seth said, a bus stop isn’t the place to go for a financial transaction!
Ok, let’s try another way.
This time, you wake up on a bright sunny morning and check the post. There’s a white envelope with your name emblazoned across the front. You open it up, and there’s a £10 note with a note inside saying “don’t spend it all in one place, from your neighbour”.
It’s odd, but you don’t complain — £10 is £10 after all.
It happens again the next day, and then again for the third day. On Day 4, you hear a knock on the door. It’s your neighbour. This time he’s holding the £10 note and asks if you want to buy it for a £1.
You know he’s genuine. A little crazy, perhaps, but genuine, nonetheless. You give him the £1 a make your £9 profit. After exchanging a few pleasantries, you say bye, close the door and carry on with the rest of your day £9 richer.
What Happened Here?
In one scenario, you refused to pay £1 in exchange for a £10 note, in the other, you gladly obliged. Slightly unfair, also very judgemental. But understandable at the same time.
If we strip both stories back to their core, the offers were the same. The difference was the context.
Rightly or wrongly, we allowed our narrative to decide for us. We had no reason to believe that we were in any danger in the first example, other than our preconceived ideas of what being alone at night, at a bus stop may lead to if we don’t have our wits about us. Being approached by a stranger and an offer, that sounded too good to be true, made it even harder to accept the proposition.
It’s our belief systems that decide on what we choose to see. It acts as a filter on our thoughts. We could have been £9 richer; we could be a pound lighter. We won’t know because we didn’t take the chance. Had we been the ultra-trusting type, we’d have our answer — good or bad.
Our beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves are a defence mechanism. Sometimes it can be limiting though.
Some Ideas to Take Away with You
The Seth story is quite an extreme example, but we don’t have to look far to see real-life examples of this kind of thing happening all around us.
Below are some points to help us think about in conflict or when assessing an unusual situation.
You may, or may not, agree with them. That’s fine; do what you believe is right. The one thing I’d ask is to try and see a situation for exactly what it is. Try and take all emotion and feelings away. It doesn’t matter who is right, just that what we do what we believe is the right thing to do.
Anyway, here goes.
#1 When the narrative is getting in the way of what’s happening, take a step away from the situation
It doesn’t help matters when thoughts are running amok in your mind; Trying to compete with them doesn’t help either. A better way is to try not to react to them. Accept them for what they are (thoughts) and let them pass. It might take a couple of minutes, or it may take a little longer. Give the ideas the time and space they need, and you’ll make a better judgement.
#2 It’s important to understand that it’s rare for someone to act in a way that they think is wrong or unacceptable.
Disruptive, maybe, but they will always have a reason to believe that their decisions were warranted. This is why when we look back at some of the greatest tragedies in recent history, and we have one nation in mourning, while another is celebrating. It’s evidence of a differing belief system.
#3 Don’t just hear, listen to the other viewpoint.
Similarly to the point above, once we recognise there is a different belief, we should seek to understand it. Once we know and understand both stories, it might change our own opinions for the better.
#4 Don’t react in an overly emotional state.
We do a lot of damage with this, the emotions get in the way and distract us from the issue at hand. Save face and if you can, try and sleep on the problem and come back to it fresh. You may have a new perspective or light bulb moment.
#5 Look at a situation in its purest form
Try writing down exactly what happened. Strip away any thoughts, emotions and feelings. Try and summarise in as few words as a twitter update — 280 characters max. See what happens.
#6 If there’s an issue over text or e-mail, pick up the phone or meet in person.
If you’re unsure of someone’s tone over a message, speaking to them either by phone or in the flesh will help you know for sure if it was a sly dig or a simple misinterpretation.
#7 Look after yourself.
When we’re tired, we tend to act on the defensive. Everything becomes a frustration. We get angry over the smallest of things and read the signs all wrong. Get some sleep, eat properly and have daily exercise. They all make a difference.
Final Thoughts
A lot of conflicts are caused by not taking the time to understand another person’s point of view. We often think we’re right, which in our eyes, we are. It’ obvious really. We are shaped by every event in our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Over time the experiences and stories we tell ourselves build evidence to support our ideas to the point they become ingrained in who we are.
Our preconceived ideas of a situation aren’t necessarily the correct or only ones though.
While it’s important to understand that these ideas are ultimately a defence mechanism and an internal guide, sometimes, we have to step back and see if we know the situation for what it is or if we’re allowing the narrative to get in the way.
Before You Go
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