no porn week

Shane was right, and admitting that sucks.

Last week, I gave you guys the option of taking one thing from me: soda, fast food, porn, or booze. All the other choices would’ve been better for my health, but Shane said “they’ll pick porn because it’s funny.” I had more faith in you…but I was wrong! Somebody on Twitter said they picked porn causes it’s funny. Fuck you, twitter guy.

Wednesday: Because I wasn’t happy giving up porn, I went to McDonald’s and got a big-ass soda and McChicken. I’ll show you, Internet! Just like at a real job, my boss made me mad, so I fucked myself over. I know this is my fault, I put porn on the list. I was smart enough to not specify “no masturbation” cause I don’t want to kill myself.

Porn feels shameful, but it’s not a real vice. It’s the thing I had to hide from my parents and relatives. I never had to hide my soda, but titties were frowned upon. That’s weird, because soda is definitely worse for me than titties. I’ve had a week to think about it & I don’t get it. I remember having to work to find porn. Like, stealing tapes from my friends step dads. Then I graduated to buying my own tapes at seedy porn shacks. They gave me a black bag to hide my shame. Then porn exploded on the Internet.

I remember having a go-to scene. Now, it’s always something different and new. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, it’s just different. I’m not gonna make a video about this. I don’t believe you people want to see a video of me not watching porn. Plus, I’m still mad about not being able to watch porn. I did go to Malibu, which is nature porn for rich people, and walked on the beach.

I did discover that after years of porn-assisted masturbation I don’t actually need porn to get the job done. I’m just like The Willie Wonka of masturbation; “Come with me in a world of pure imagination.” So, that’s good to know. The other upside is there’s a whole weeks worth of brand-new porn I can catch up on.