Exactly Why Star Wars The Last Jedi Sucks

**Yes of course this contains spoilers but don’t worry too much about it, after reading you probably won’t want to watch the movie anyway**

I saw the new Star Wars movie on opening night and really felt like I was supposed to like it, but I didnt. It took me a while to figure out WHY I didn’t like it when all the reviews told me it was so good. Below is the full review / plot summary with all the detail, but the short version is:

• Nothing happens in this movie that matters
• The whole plot is basically about the Resistance stalling for time and then escaping slowly (they do this at least 3 times)

Main Plot Line: Nothing important happens, rebels repeatedly stall for time and run away

• First scene, somehow the bad guys (First Order) have tracked the Resistance back to their base and the rebels are pretty much defenseless against the impending attack
• So this Poe guy goes up in one little fighter against some massive destroyer
• Poe engages in playful banter with the destroyer over the radio a la “Who’s on First?” to stall for time (felt like something out of a Monty Python movie)
• Poe secretly used that time to charge up a battery that when launched somehow made him go really fast (not lightspeed fast, just faster than normal)
• Poe goes singlehanded against the super-destroyer “dreadnaught”. Obviously he can’t hurt such a massive ship but he can take out all the surface guns…
• Somewhere in the middle of this Leia tells Poe to stop and retreat because they had had time to escape (HE WAS JUST STALLING FOR TIME, apparently both the initial ruse of stalling for time to charge his battery and then fighting the dreadnaught was all part of a more elaborate secret stalling for time plan. This secret “stall for time” strategy will come up again and again)
• Poe decides he can complete the mission anyway (against orders) and risks it all to take out the last gun and then orders in the “bombers”. Not sure how he can order in all the bombers by himself while he is disobeying Leias orders
• Sidebar: why do you need separate “bombers” in space warfare? A bomber was based based on flight dynamics that don’t exist in space. Why wouldn’t each bomb just fly itself somehow?
• Some random drama on one of the bombers from people you have never seen before and don’t care about. Some Asian girl has a piece of trash on a necklace (REMEMBER THAT! It will be important later)
• Almost all the bombers get destroyed, except one
• They are in final approach but they can’t get the bomb bay doors open (yes it’s just like every war movie you’ve ever seen)
• Some girl is crawling to hit the trigger button on some remote like a suicide bomber would use, no idea why they don’t have some kind of redundancy for something like that
• I think maybe she pushes the button, maybe she dies in the process, maybe the super-destroyer gets blown up, I can’t remember because it doesn’t really matter
• At some point in here Leia dies. At first I was surprised she dies so early in movie but then I realize that Cary Fisher died in real life so it made sense. This is why I was really confused when Leia came back to life later (SPOILER ALERT)
• By this point the rebels have escaped by going to lightspeed (thanks again for the elaborate diversion!) and as everyone knows you can’t track a ship in lightspeed (you can’t triple stamp a double stamp! )
• BUT, somehow the bad guys HAVE tracked them through lightspeed!
• They are just about to jump to Lightspeed AGAIN, but someone stops them (can’t remember who it was though it seemed significant at the time) and says “but they tracked us! In lightspeed! Don’t you see? If we jump again they will just track us again! We can’t jump until we know they can’t track us!”
• Solution: a low speed chase across the galaxy. The white icons for the Resistance ships look a lot like OJ Simpson’s white bronco truck going on the longest and slowest chase scene ever (this is the plot of most of the movie)
• Somehow the Restance ships are just a teeny-eansy-weansy bit faster than the bad guys in non light speed mode. Thus the chase scene goes for hours and hours until the good guys slowly run out of fuel and get picked off. Ultimately there is just one rebel ship left
• Somewhere in here someone gives a speech to rally the troops that feels very political and anti-Trump
• Poe is somehow on this ship and when he sees that they plan to abandon ship he organizes a mutiny. The oldish but somehow later love-interest commander lady says we aren’t risking the entire group on some risky hair-brained scheme. A while ago Poe had organized some really random adventure (SEE SUBPLOT A BELOW) that didn’t help at all and actually hurt the good guys. Anyway Poe still thinks this doomed plan could possibly work
• Leia wakes up (she’s alive!), you think she’s gonna join Po but then she shoots him unconscious
• Theme: stupid dumb man all macho and no brains, the escape plan made sense the whole time if we had just explained it to him. Oops we forgot to tell him! (this whole “forgetting to tell our allies the strategy” thing will come up again also)
• Bad guys realize the trick (per SUBPLOT A) and start shooting the escape pods
• Previously oldish but now love-interest lady that you thought was a coward now turns out to be a hero by launching her ship (not sure why she had to stay behind and go down with the ship whilst everyone else escaped? couldn’t a droid have done that?) at lightspeed into the bad guys ship a la 9/11. This causes a lot of damage. So much so you wonder why this tactic has never been used before and why it’s so surprising to everyone
• This allows the remaining rebels to escape to another secret base on another planet
• Yes, this basically puts the rebels right back where they started. In the beginning of the movie they started in a base about to be attacked, then they had a low speed chase across the galaxy basically stalling for time, then they “escape” to another base that is just about to be attacked and they are trapped inside with no escape
• Poe again tries to launch a crazy tactic that accomplished nothing. During part of this Finn almost sacrifices himself to take out the enemy (which might have actually made a difference) but Asian girl stops him, because she loves him, so they again accomplish nothing and retreat back into the cornered base
• Luke Skywalker shows up, literally out of nowhere and walks out to face Kylo Ren (where has Luke been all this time? it doesn’t really matter. but if you’re really curious SEE SUBPLOT B BELOW)
• You think Kylo is going to go down and fight him 1:1 like a man but then you’re surprised he orders them to just shoot him. Despite shooting hundreds of lasers Luke emerges unscathed
• At some point here Poe realizes Luke is just stalling for time (that’s the rebels secret weapon! stalling for time!) so they can escape. If this was Luke’s plan the whole time you think it would have been better served by actually telling the Resistance they were supposed to escape while he is creating a diversion instead of making them guess at what his secret plan is (again, maybe you should tell your allies what the secret plan is)
• Kylo goes down to fight Luke. They fight. Then he realizes Luke was never there at all it’s just an astral projection in his mind or something. The whole time Luke was just sitting on his deserted island getting sweaty. This must have taken a lot of effort because Luke dies Jedi-style just fading away
• The last remaining rebels escape out the back where Rey uses her expanded Jedi powers (somehow she keeps getting better despite getting ZERO training from Luke or anyone else) to help them escape and they all pile into the Millenium Falcon and escape
• Somehow you’re supposed to be hopeful about all this in the end. Even though the rebels started the movie with thousands of people and a huge fleet and now they have like 30 people on one old ship. Plus they have Rey and a broken lightsaber.
• I think maybe Princess Leia is still alive at the end? Not sure how that works since Carrie Fisher died and they have another movie to make
• Last shot is some random street urchin kid who uses force powers to sweep the street with his broom he then holds auspiciously like a light saber. I expect we will see him again or this scene was really a waste of time

SUBPLOT A: Finn and random Asian girl risk lives to accomplish nothing and inadvertently expose the rebellion

• Finn finds a bracelet that falls off of Leia that he somehow knows is connected to Rey (even though it was supposed to be a secret and Leia didn’t tell him what it was because she was unconscious)
• Finn realizes they are fucked in this low speed chase and doesn’t want Rey to follow the bracelet back to them so he tries to escape via an escape pod
• Finn meets some random Asian girl who is a janitor or something. Somehow they are the only ones that can figure out how the bad guys are tracking them via lightspeed. That Asian girl is like Good Will Hunting or something.
• Important plot point: she has the SAME piece of trash necklace as that other random Asian girl that died earlier. They’re related or something. Not sure why we are supposed to care
• Asian girl realizes Finn was trying to escape and knocks him out him for being a deserter
• When he wakes up Poe helps send them on a secret mission to get a master code breaker that can help break the lightspeed tracking
• Yes this means the low speed chase is so slow that Finn and Asian girl can leave the chase to go on a whole different adventure and still hopefully come back to the low speed chase to save the day
• Finn/Asian go to some fancy casino, idea is that no matter what happens between the empire and rebels the real evil in the universe is all the corporations and capitalists. Rich vs poor, etc. etc. cry me a river
• They pretty much immediately get thrown in jail
• There they meet some random drunk guy who also claims to be able to break the secret code. They are rightfully skeptical but then the drunk swipes his key card to open the jail cell. So why was he just waiting in the jail cell if he could have escaped at any time?
• Finn and Asian girl run away, get lost, for some reason the drunk decides to save them with BB8
• They convince drunk to help them, using the worthless piece of trash necklace as collateral for payment
• They sneak aboard bad guy ship because the drunk is fucking rain man and enters some secret code on the number pad that lets them sneak aboard (I think it was up, down, up, down, left, right, select, start)
• Somehow in their adventure that stupid necklace is important in that it is the right shape to close a circuit breaker. You’re led to believe that maybe that was part of his plan all along but then you realize that’s ridiculous
• They all get captured
• Drunk sells them out and in the process tells bad guys how the good guys in the fleet (the slow speed chase) were secretly abandoning ship. This really messes up the good guys plan from above (this is how Finn not only accomplished nothing he actually almost got everyone killed)
• You’re wondering if maybe the drunk is like this episode’s Han Solo and maybe he’s just pretending to sell out when he will secretly save them all. But you’re wrong. He just cashes out and takes his money and runs
• When the lady captain that goes down with her ship 9/11 style from main plot line blows through the bad guys ship she somehow kills the 100 storm troopers that were standing right next to Finn/Asian but Finn/Asian are left unharmed. They somehow escape and meet up with the rest of the rebels and get trapped in the next base with them

SUBPLOT B: Luke is a creepy hermit

• Rey meets Luke on deserted island. Luke is basically mute and mostly ignores her. He does milk some gross sea creatures’ tits hopefully for some secret reason and then you’re surprised/grossed outwhen he drinks it
• Rey somehow trains herself to be a Jedi. Like just being on the island let’s her tap into powers which also includes how to use a lightsaber like a badass
• Somehow she has these little virtual reality discussions with Kylo Ren and they become BFFs
• Sidebar: the “porgs”. Chewy was about to eat one after cooking it like a Thanksgiving Turkey (it looked delicious). But then he looks at their cute little faces and changes his mind. But wouldn’t he have seen their cute faces before he killed the first one? PS, then for some silly reason he lets these rodents on the Falcon where all they do is break things
• Rey leaves because she thinks she can turn Kylo Ren to the good side
• She gets dropped off by the millenium falcon and meets Kylo Ren
• They meet the gross emperor guy, Kylo Ren kills him. ReY thinks that means he wants to be good but nope! Now he’s the supreme leader. Rey and Kylo then fight and break Luke’s lightsaber in half
• Somehow Rei escapes and makes it back aboard the millenium falcon. No idea how that happened.
• Rei uses her bracelet thing to find Finn and rescue them. They escape as a ragged group of people with just one ship but somehow they have “hope” because they still have Luke’s old lightsaber which is now broken

Still reading? In conclusion, don’t see this movie.