Five-minute study reveals that allowing rich people to launder money and avoid taxes by hiding their assets in offshore accounts while vacuuming up entitlements like they were all-dressed crinkle-cut potato chips actually ISN’T a great thing after all.
World Economic Summit stunned after presentation; “Who knew??!!” says Chair.
BRUSSELS¹: Unemployed bricklayer Wilhelm “Willy” Arschfecken stunned the World Economic Summit today with the results of his five-minute study of the offshore accounts that the top 1% use to hide their trillions of dollars, in order to avoid paying taxes and other unfair stuff.
To the amazement of everyone, he has turned conventional thinking upside down and concluded that offshore accounts are not the excellent thing we all thought they were.
“After looking at how much dosh is in these accounts, and then looking at those UNICEF pictures of starving African babies, I thought, you know — maybe rich people should just, like, pay their friggin’ taxes like everyone else,” said Willy, as he unwrapped the waxed paper from a tuna-salad sandwich he’d made earlier in the day.
“Like, here’s my, whaddayacallit, analysis: You got a country with lots of rich people. Say, two or three. The country is always complaining that its social services are missing, say, a trillion dollars to make them work.
“Then some conservative yells “Socialism” and everyone laughs and goes for a drink. Right?
“Then I thought, wait a minute — what if the rich people actually were hiding,like, a trillion dollars in back taxes? If they paid up, that would solve the problem!
“Am I being, you know, like — simplistic?”
It was apparent from the thoughtful nodding, beard-stroking and shoe-gazing of the attendees that Willy had struck an extremely resonant chord.
“Then I was kinda tired after all those, you know, five minutes of economic analysis, so I made myself a nice tuna-salad sandwich — I’m a big Hellman’s fan, and I always add some “crunch factor”, like, you know, celery, and lots of pepper — and I watched Days of Our Lives. You ever seen that? It’s wicked good!” opined Mr Arschfecken, to the sound of tumultuous applause.
“Anyone want the rest of this sandwich? There’s half a dill pickle, even,” he concluded, before shaking hands with the Chair, waving farewell to the still-cheering audience and being escorted briskly out of the conference chambers.
Then some conservative yelled “Socialism” and everyone laughed and went for a drink.
The World Economic Summit will be awarding Mr Arschfecken a couple of scratch-and-win cards.
“Such a pity, we’re fresh out of Nobel’s,” explained a spokesperson. “But we’d like him to have these.”
Bernie Sanders is very, very old.
¹ Brussels: Yes, like the sprouts. I know, seriously?!