4 Times I Was A Huge Jerk In Video Games

Video games let you get away with a lot. Waltzing into people’s houses uninvited, vandalism, theft, the list goes on. But oftentimes these things are required to progress through the game.

But some developers allow you to be better. Sometimes, they design specific scenarios where misbehaving can be avoided. That’s no fun now is it? So how about I countdown some of the times I went out of my way to be mean in video games?

A quick rule: all acts of ill intent must be completely optional. If it’s required to beat the game, it doesn’t qualify for this list. So here are 4 times I was a huge jerk in video games.

Yoshi and the juice — Super Mario Sunshine

A sentiment often echoed among Super Mario Sunshine fans is that the inhabitants of Isle Delfino, the Piantas, are awful.

Aside from arresting and convicting Mario for polluting their island without a fair trial, they continue to make him clean the place up even after it becomes obvious he’s innocent. Many of the Piantas verbally abuse and even throw Mario through the air for a crime he didn’t commit. 13-year-old me didn’t take that sitting down.

After clearing a certain level of the game, I unlocked the ability to ride Yoshi! Everybody loves Yoshi. He can eat enemies, run fast, and regurgitate the juices of fruits he’s eaten like a power hose. You can see where I’m going with this right?

As an act of revenge for making me clean up the island, I abused Yoshi’s “juice spraying” ability to cover the island and its inhabitants with a fresh coat of puke.

It was glorious! I went to town squirting everyone in sight. Hearing them all cry out in disgust at being drenched in sticky Yoshi vomit was nothing short of therapeutic. I didn’t feel even the tiniest bit sorry about it either.

In hindsight, this isn’t really me being a jerk. It’s me getting even. Of course, I would’ve made Yoshi spew all over everything even if they hadn’t falsely accused me of polluting their island. But that’s beside the point!

Keep off the sand — Half-Life 2

Ever since I was a child, I’ve had a problem with following the instructions. Especially in video games. Whenever a character told me not to do something (drive the racecar backwards, attack my allies, etc) I immediately ignored him. Just to see what would happen.

Apparently, bad things happen! But I never learned and I never grew out of it. One such instance occurred during my first playthrough of Half-Life 2. During my travels, I came across a man and his injured friend Lazlo sitting on a rock surrounded by sand.

“Stop where you are!” I heard the man shout. “Don’t step on the sand, it makes the antlions crazy!” I’d encountered a few antlions previously. They were giant, gross, alien bugs that weren’t too difficult to take out but were dangerous in large numbers.

So naturally I immediately jumped onto the sand.

“You idiot!” I heard the man shout. But it was too late. A swarm of antlions angrily rose from the sand and proceeded to attack him and poor Lazlo.

I felt kinda bad at that point and blasted them away with a few rounds from my trusty shotgun. Unfortunately, Lazlo didn’t make it. Upon hearing his friend give a touching (and somewhat melodramatic) speech about him, I proceeded onward.

This might sound bad. But before you start grilling me about it, the antlions come out of the sand and kill Lazlo even if you stay off the sand. So can I really be held responsible just because I sped things up by a few seconds?

Gotta catch ’em all — Luigi’s Mansion 3

Luigi’s Mansion is a franchise all about sucking up ghosts into a vacuum cleaner. They’re hostile of course, so it’s not something to feel bad about. Well, most of them are hostile.

In Luigi’s Mansion 3 you meet Director Morty, one of the few ghosts that doesn’t have it out for poor Luigi. In fact, he seems to believe the mustachioed plumber is a star in the making. After filming his latest movie with Luigi as the main character, Morty gives you what you need to progress and rushes off to the editing room.

After that, you can just leave. No ghost-wrangling required. Morty is a genuinely nice spook who has no hostile intent whatsoever. He just wants to make his movie.

But this isn’t a “4 Times I Was A Total Saint In Video Games” list so peace was never an option. Desiring to add Morty to my collection of ghosts, I stalked him into the editing room. There he sat. Completely absorbed in his work and unaware of the green terror that had just entered.

I pulled out my Poltergust G-00 and began to suck him in. He clung to the editing table, desperate not to be separated from his work. But unlike him, I had no soul.

This is one of those instances where I felt horrible before I actually committed the act. Even the game recognizes that what you did was pretty messed up. Normally when Luigi captures a ghost, he says “Oh yes!” in a cheerful and upbeat manner. But after catching Morty, it sounds shaky and half-hearted.

And with that, Morty was trapped. Doomed to be imprisoned in my personal ghost zoo for all eternity. Or however long it‘ll take for Professor E.Gadd to slip up and release him.

On later playthroughs, I let him go about his business. But I didn’t feel quite bad enough initially to reload the save and undo my act of badwill. The things I do for 100% completion.

(Screenshots taken from BossBattleChannel on YouTube)

Cawlin X Ghost Hand — The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

The Legend of Zelda franchise has always had a knack for delivering fun and memorable side quests. And The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, has some of the best!

In the game’s main hub Skyloft, there’s this jerk named Cawlin. Not once had he ever been nice to me, and yet he had the gall to ask me to deliver a love letter to his crush, Karane.

If you deliver the letter, Karane will realize that she has feelings for a different man. Leaving poor Cawlin heartbroken. But leave it to me to find another way to get him a date! If you visit the game’s one bathroom in the middle of the night, you’ll discover a ghost hand haunting the toilet. She begs for paper. Any kind of paper.

As you’ve probably guessed, I gave Cawlin’s letter to her without a second thought. And down the toilet it went.

Cawlin was pretty torn up about it at first, but this story has a happy ending! Upon visiting Cawlin’s dorm room at night, I discovered the ghost hand hovering over him as he slept the night away. Turns out, she read the letter and fell in love with him.

And from that point onward, she spent every evening stroking Cawlin’s head as he slept. This gave him terrible nightmares, but no relationship is perfect. I’m a wingman, not a miracle worker.

That’s right. Your turn!

This is honestly just scratching the surface of the terrible things you can do in video games. Do you guys have any to share? Let me know in the response section! I’d love to hear all about them.