An open letter from the New Weathermen
You may have noticed the news of “diesel bugs” popping up all over your TVs and papers recently. You are being fed a lot of lies and we–The New Weathermen–want to set the record straight.
This is the first blow in an all out war against the parasitic extractors and retailers of fossil fuels, also known as Big Oil. Like monstrous ticks on the back of our planet, they have been digging and sucking up the black gold. Filling their pockets with piles of cash and stinking up the rest of us with nasty greenhouse gases. We refuse this parasitic behaviour, and declare a new symbiotic world order.
You, friend, you and your cherished four wheeled toy, are at the end of the food chain. You are right on that battlefield and will suffer as well if you don’t get out. We urge you to abandon your petrol fuelled vehicle and consider alternative modes of transportation. Our war is against Big Oil, not against you. From now on however, we have no choice but to treat anyone who continues to rely on their products as an enemy.
Our weapon is a parasite to take down the parasites. As you have heard, microbes capable of rendering huge quantities of fuel completely useless. Despite what the oil companies want you to believe, this is everything but a “naturally occurring mutation”. We have created an optimised species of the Pseudomonas aeruginosa bacterium, completely harmless to humans, but absolutely deadly to diesel fuel. For anyone who cares to check we have watermarked their DNA with a very readable message.
The rules are simple: each pump infects every car and each car infects every pump. Our little guys are clinging to the sides of nozzles and tank valves. They will spread like a pandemic. They are making their way down to underground tanks to multiply, and back out again. It is too late to stop them, even for us. They will fight for themselves, and we have taught them well.
You have also seen the so called experts on the news. These companies selling diesel bug removal services to yacht owners. They rubbed their hands at first, telling you they could get rid of the sludge in no time. Too bad, we ran dozens of experiments on their glorified bleach. We can tell you with confidence, don’t waste your money. They have no clue how to fight our bugs. The tank graveyards speak for themselves.
The Greens still don’t know what to make of it, and they won’t for a while. So you have to think for yourself. We are having more impact than they could ever dream of with their sit-ins and banners and polar bears. We have home-brewed direct action organisms, they have petitions and are begging for funding. Finally, someone is doing something, we are bringing Big Oil down on its knees.
We know you’re probably angry. Sitting in your car, waiting in line for some microbial security clearance to pay a huge amount of money for a tiny portion of fuel–but it doesn’t have to be like this.
You have been waiting for this moment, you know it’s the right thing. You have the mortgage, the kids, the car, fair enough. We saved you the trouble and made that decision for you. There will be no more diesel.
Now you have two options. You can join our ranks and help put an end to the parasitic era of man. Or you can keep your head in the sand, continue to curse us — and we’ll see you in hell.
The New Weathermen