Dennis Rodman’s Nobel Peace Prize Lecture
Your Majesties, distinguished members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, citizens of the world, and comrades of the Workers’ Party of Korea, thank you. I humbly receive this high honor with the same gratitude as I received my three Razzies.
Some may be wondering why, I, the Worm, the best rebounding forward in NBA history, am receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. And to those people I say, after these past few years in America, what else did you expect? President Donald Trump said “you’re fired” to a former Celebrity Apprentice contestant from the White House. [pointing] You’ll be up here next, Omarosa!
I have been fortunate enough to love many beautiful people in my life: Carmen Electra, Madonna, myself in a wedding dress to promote my book. These days, I love a man named Kim. Some people call him a murderous dictator, Little Rocket Man, or Fatboy Kim the Third. But to me, he’s still just Supreme Leader Marshall Kim Jong-un, carrier of the torch of Juche, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, the greatest army in the world.
Marshall Kim trusts me because how I look on the outside is how he feels on the inside. I told Kim my piercings signify a sexual fetish he’s never heard of before. That my hair styles come from a series of Valentine’s Day cards for Juggalos. I told Kim I am called the Worm because of the slimy feeling people get when they see my most expensive piercing. And that makes Marshall Kim feel normal by comparison.
Marshall Kim is truly the Dennis Rodman of dictators: rowdy, isolated, seeking acceptance. Just as I onced head-butted a referee, so does Marshall Kim “head-butt” his political enemies. Plus, he has incredible hair.
Tonight I want to talk with you about an advanced international relations theory that I call basketball. Like members of the Chicago Bulls, not all countries get along. But you don’t have to like somebody to work with them. For example, I hate Michael Jordan. We never spoke off the basketball court. That maniacal, ball-hogging Air Jordan is the real dictator, not Marshall Kim. Marshall Kim passes and assists just as much as he drives in for a layup. Marshall Kim enjoys holding hands, riding ponies, and presiding over a nuclear-armed cult of personality. Michael Jordan and I never went skiing.
But that is why the planet created Scottie Pippens to unite the Dennis Rodmans with the Michael Jordans. Without the important work of the Scottie Pippens of the world — U.N. peacekeepers, diplomats, and journalists — we wouldn’t have the six championship rings of humanity: world peace, human rights, democracy, freedom, two-for-one-piercing-Saturdays, and Juche.
I want to especially thank the brave human rights journalists at TMZ. Your outsize coverage of my affair with Madonna inspires me to do crazy shit to this day, like visit a hostile hermit dictatorship without my government’s supervision.
Of course, none of this would have been possible without the generous financing of Potcoin. Potcoin is the ideal blockchain cryptocurrency for buying not just marijuana, but all sorts of drugs. I would say which drugs I have bought on it, but I think my neon rainbow nail polish says enough. Potcoin bought their sponsorship using Potcoin, which is today about as valuable as the highly-sanctioned North Korean won.
And finally, I would like to thank former Secretary of State John Kerry, who covertly coached me through all five years of my North Korea outreach. You deserve all the credit for this. You are a truly brilliant diplomat, experienced in successfully negotiating denuclearization through international sanctions with a hostile regime.
Some critics say that the crippling multinational sanctions, the rise of China, and the inevitability of the information age forced North Korea out of isolation. Others say that Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen carried the Chicago Bulls through their second three-peat. To all of them I say, do the Worm. Let Dennis be Dennis. Because in this cartoon nightmare version of humanity, the Nobel Peace Prize winner came down to Dennis Rodman or Donald Trump.
As Mahatma Gandhi almost once said, “Be the late 1990’s cable programming you wish to see in the world.” Thank you.