I am Benjamin Netanyahu, and I Support the Belgian Ban on Kosher Meat Because I am a Transhumanist Ethical Vegan

“Belgium Bans Religious Slaughtering Practices, Drawing Praise and Protest” — NY Times

As Prime Minister of Israel, and self-declared spokesperson for the entire Jewish people, it is my duty to protect Jews everywhere through positive, ethical leadership. And as head of the ultra-conservative Likud party, it is my highest duty to also protect Likud values. And nothing is higher on Likud party values than protecting animal welfare through a pure vegan diet.

That is why I am proud to support Belgium’s new law banning kosher and halal ritual slaughter methods. Belgium is right. I banned methods along Israel’s southern border. It stopped all animal rights abuses committed by Palestinian doctors and journalists. Great success. Great idea.

When I first heard that the Belgian proponent of the bill, Ben Weyts, was a right-wing nationalist who attended the 90th birthday of a Nazi collaborator, I was confused. Isn’t this about liberating animals from meat conscription? So I asked my three friends — Viktor Orban, Prime Minister of Hungary, Jair Bolsonaro, President of Brazil, and Vladimir Putin, Father — what they thought. We all co-run a vegan coop together in Rakhine State, Myanmar. When they all ringingly endorsed the law on our shared Pinterest page, I knew the law reflected our transhumanist ethical veganism.

After all, Belgium has a right to protect Belgians from attacks on Belgian way of life. The most important cultural icons to Belgium’s way of life are: chocolate, hosting the capital of the EU, and of course, the industrial method by which chickens and cows are slightly-more-humanely slaughtered.

Nothing says animal welfare more than requiring religious minorities to change their way of life or face prison time. As ethical veganism demands of me, I must protect my blood and soil.

I would stick up for my fellow Jewish brethren, but it would be speciesist to favor them over the rights of animals. These murderous kosher butchers, can you really say that they are religious? They are more like slaughterhouses with a profound Jewish flavor. Just because a bee farmer gives excess honey to her local synagogue for Rosh Hashanah doesn’t make her less complicit in commodified bee slavery.

Some critics say that the law hurts the very religious freedoms Israel purports to champion. But really, the critics are the real aggressors because their criticism requires the exhalation of carbon dioxide, thus contributing to Mother Nature’s destruction through climate change.

We should build a wall around the critics of this Belgian law. And we should criminalize even the criticism’s utterance in all countries deemed loyal to the Belgian state, such as Luxembourg. While criticizing Luxembourg is perfectly legal in Luxembourg, we should require Luxembourg to pass a law that makes it illegal to criticize Belgium, or animals, in Luxembourg. That’s the only way to be a pure, vegan ally of Belgium.

Like I said, as vegan President of Israel, I speak for all vegan Jews. I want to protect all animals at all costs, and the best way to do that is make Belgium openly hostile to non-vegan Jews. That’s what I’ve tried to do in Israel, and that’s what I will continue to do in Europe and America. Because that’s what right-wing leaders, and vegans, do. By comparing you to an animal, we validate your humanity.

By the way, can someone tell me what halal means? Is it how Muslims text that they’re laughing or something?