I, Don Jr., Will Go To Prison For My Father, If He Asks, Because At Least In That Moment He Will Be Speaking To Me
In any family business, a son must be prepared to do anything for his father, from fitting the office with the latest tech to colluding with foreign nationals for political subterfuge. This is truer still when his father communicates his requests in person. So, if my father spoke to me in person — sorry, I mean when he does, I’m sure it’ll be soon — I would go to prison for him. Because in that moment, he will be speaking to me in real life, thus giving me a gift more valuable than my own freedom.
It is a story as old as time: a son’s love shields his father from the evils of the world. Like Lily Potter shielding young Harry, so too shall I protect my father using a love that can only be acquired from a routine, in-person interaction.
As Executive Vice President and trustee of the Trump Organization, I know how valuable an in-person meeting can be. For instance, one time I met with Natalia Veselnitskaya, Emin Agalarov, Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, and others in Trump Tower. It was so valuable to learn how much dirt Natalia and Emin said they had on Hillary Clinton face-to-face. So if it’s what you say — a face-to-face meeting with my father telling me that I need to fall on his sword — I love it.
To be honest, prison might not even be that much of a sacrifice. In 2016, I interviewed white supremacist James Edwards, and could easily transfer those communications skills and neo-Nazi credentials to advance my rank in the white gangs. Charles Kushner even told me that his company has a rehabilitation program to help formerly incarcerated white-collar criminals find work in the very field in which they committed the crime.
Some critics say that a parent has an obligation to protect their child. To those critics I say, I would also expect my eldest son to take the fall for me, if I asked him in person. That’s just how I was raised.
And I know that my other siblings — Eric, Ivanka, Tiffany, and even Barron — would do the same. Well, except for Ivanka. That’s what she has Jared for.
I remember the last time my father and I spoke face-to-face. Right before making an appearance in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee, my father whispered to me, “You better not squeal on me, or I’ll make your shitfucking warthog face very, very messy on your next hunting trip, capisce?” I mean, what a leader. I almost cried. Thankfully, I didn’t cry, and I was still able to commit criminal perjury and obstruction of justice.
In conclusion, Father, please return my 47 unrequited Twitter DMs. And perhaps, can you order me to take the fall for the entire Trump administration while we’re throwing around a baseball, or hunting endangered leopards, or getting lap dances? Please, let me sacrifice my life for you, if only for a moment of your time. I’ve been so lonely since the divorce.