A Special Boy

My mom always told me not to listen to them. She was right because she is always right. My mom is very pretty because she has long brown hair and she has brown eyes. She was a cheerleader in school. I don’t like school but my mom did when she went. She probably liked it because everybody liked her because she is pretty and she is very smart about things. Nobody likes me at school because I am fat and I am not very smart because I am special. I don’t want to be fat so I used to wake up early most days and run around the block so that when I get older I will be healthy and not fat.

Now I am here and I don’t see my mom as much as I want. I really miss her but I don’t miss them. How could I? I would never miss them. I guess it’s not nice but they weren’t nice either. My mom says I should be nice and I try to be. I am nice to everyone in here. Since that day I’ve tried to be nice to everyone.

I used to like taking baths every night. I used to take them after I spent a lot of hours doing my homework. I was good at math because my mom says I am really good with numbers because I have a special kind of smart. I have trouble with reading and that’s why I work very hard — so that the words can make sense to me. I’m getting better at reading, it just takes longer than I want it to so after I work so hard on my homework every evening I would take a bath. My mom says it’s good to give yourself a reward after you work so hard so I would relax in the tub and listen to my music. I would wash myself a lot in the tub because they said I was smelly because I am fat. I would wash myself all over three times with lots of soap because I don’t want to be smelly.

After my bath I would watch one show on television before I went to cry. The show would make me laugh and I liked that before I had to go lay in my bed in the dark and cry. I cry because I am special and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was not special and just normal like everybody else. Although I cry in the dark it only lasts for about half an hour before I eventually fall asleep. My mom doesn’t know that I cry because I told her I did one night and although she tried to hide it from me I can tell she was crying a little bit because of what I said. I know I don’t like how it feels so I didn’t want her to feel like I did.

Before I would fall asleep I would see them in my eyes when I closed them. They would push me and call me fat and stupid and then push me into the bathroom and stick my head in the toilet. Sometimes they would flush the toilet on my head but not every time. When they were done they would take my lunch money but it’s ok because I’m fat and I don’t need that much food because I don’t want to be fat. I get up early on most mornings so I can run around the block so I’m not fat when I get older, but I’m still fat right now.

I would sneak out of my bedroom window in the early morning because my mom doesn’t want me to run. She’s very smart and she says that I am still growing and I will get taller and not be fat eventually and if I run every day it means that I’m forgetting I’m special the way God made me. I always remember that I am special so I told her I wouldn’t forget but she said I still can’t run so I put on my sweat pants and hooded sweatshirt that smells like sweat and I open my window real quiet and I crawl through it so no one can hear me. I don’t want my mom or Ronnie to hear me sneak out. Ronnie is my mom’s new friend who sleeps over on some nights so that my mom is not lonely. My mom is too pretty to be lonely. She had the prettiest long brown hair in school when she went.

After I run around the block I take off my sweaty clothes and I hide them under my bed in a big blue box where I keep the car magazines that my mom buys me. They come in the mail each month and I am happy on the day the new one comes. I will be able to drive in a few years if I can get out of here and get back home. After my clothes are hidden behind the big blue box that is safely tucked under my bed I go to the bathroom and take my shower. My mom thinks I just woke up and am showering for school.

I don’t like hiding my running from my mom but if I tell her she will have too much on her mind and get upset because she will think that I am going to forget that I am special. I know she doesn’t understand that I don’t want to be fat anymore because I’ve never told her that they call me fat Ethan. I tell them my name is Ethan and they laugh at me and throw me on the ground or try to stick my head in the toilet.

Sometimes I cry at school too because I am lonely too like mom but I can’t find a Ronnie. The other people at school aren’t mean to me like them but they won’t talk to me. I say hi or ask if they want to see my new car magazine and they tell me to leave them alone. Britney in my math class called me a creep when I showed her my car magazine. She is pretty but I know she doesn’t like me because I’m special and I am fat and I was probably smelly on the day I asked her because they put my head in the toilet that day right before math class. When they left I did what I always do when they put my head in the toilet, I went to the sink and used hand soap and paper towels and tried to wash and dry myself off the best I can because I don’t want to be smelly for all the other kids in my class. I’m not mad that Britney called me a creep because my mom said I should love other people and treat them with respect. I should have done that that day but something made me not be able to. I guess if I could go back to that day I would be nicer to Britney and not have thought bad thoughts about her because I don’t want my mom to be upset. I don’t tell her about all the times people say bad things to me because she would get upset because she is not used to it like I am because she was pretty in school and she had long beautiful brown hair. When she gets upset or real mad she will cry like I do when I lay in the dark at night and I don’t want anyone to feel sad like that. It is not fun believe me.

I don’t like it here though even though nobody calls me fat and I am mostly by myself. It just gets boring because I can’t work on my reading or my math and since I’m not running I will end up staying fat when I get older. I miss my car magazines too and I miss my mom. I ask my mom to bring my magazines but she keeps forgetting because she has a lot on her mind. She cries when I see her. She says it isn’t fair and I tell her it’s ok because I don’t want her to cry. She was crying the other day when she visited me. She said that she knows God will forgive me and she went to church to pray for me. I hope he will so that I don’t go to hell. I pray at night when they tell me they are turning the lights out. I try to do it every night but sometimes I forget.

After I lay down to sleep I rest pretty good and sometimes I’ll tell God another prayer and I’ll say thank you for making me special. I like not crying anymore when it’s dark. I think I don’t because I don’t have to see them the next day.

​I asked mom again to bring me a car magazine the other day when she was here and she said she keeps forgetting because she has a lot on her mind. I really don’t want to give her more to think about. Sometimes she yells when she has a lot to think about. I think Ronnie gives her a lot to think about because she used to yell at him sometimes and then he would yell at her. I like Ronnie just fine. One day he was sitting next to my mom on the couch when I came home from school. My mom asked me how my day was and I said it was ok and she asked if anyone was mean to me and I said yes. Ronnie asked who was bothering me and my mom told him that once in a while they would bother me because I didn’t tell her it was every day. He said that if anyone ever called him names he would bring two wrenches to school the next day and he would hit them in the head with it. I told Ronnie I didn’t like to hit people. My mom told Ronnie to be quiet and not say bad things like that in front of me. Ronnie said it wasn’t bad to protect yourself or someone you love. That made her have a lot on her mind I think because soon they were yelling at each other again.

When I was six Santa brought me two super hero figures. I was so excited because I like to wake up on Christmas morning. That is the only morning all year that mom lets me go in her room and wake her up early. I can remember us walking down the hall quickly and then when we got into the living room it would look different than it did the night before. There would be a few extra presents under the tree that I thought Santa brought. I believed in Santa back then because I was little. I always made my mom a special present like a picture that I would work on for days but I don’t draw very well and I’m a bad wrapper. Mom always loved my presents though.

The year I got the super hero guys I was excited. One was Superman and the other was Batman. I liked Superman because he could fly and Batman couldn’t do anything so I would make Batman the bad guy and I would have Superman beat him up and do really bad things to him. One time I was going to have Superman burn him on the stove just a little bit. When I started to put him by the fire on the stove my mom walked in and she yelled at me. She said beating people up and hurting them was wrong even if they were toys. After that day I made Batman a good guy and he and Superman worked together to capture invisible bad guys. That was the first time I remember mom telling me that hurting people was wrong and I knew she was right. I wish I would have always remembered that.

Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about how bad my last day of school was. I was crying the night before because they made me take off my underwear in the bathroom and they stole it and one of them hung it up on the flag pole. I could see the flag pole out the window from my desk in reading class and I started crying because I’m not good at reading and I couldn’t try extra hard when I kept looking at my underwear blowing in the wind. I was hoping the girls wouldn’t see it because girls shouldn’t see stuff like that.

When I came home I was crying and mom asked why. I didn’t want to tell her but she made me. Then she said she was going to school the next day to talk to them and then she was going to talk to the principle. She asked what time they used to meet me in the bathroom to try to put me in the toilet and knock me to the ground. I told her at 10:30 because I always had to go to the bathroom at that time after holding it in class for a while after breakfast.

Sometimes I would hold it and two of them would get me in the hallway and pull me into the bathroom so I was always in there whether I had to use the bathroom or not. I asked mom not to go because I was afraid they would try to push her head in the toilet and she would get hurt. She said she was going so I made a plan.

I went out to the garage before my television show came on after I did my homework and I took a wrench. I looked for two of them but we only had one old rusty one. I looked hard for another one but I could only find our hammer that had a black rubber handle. I snuck them into the house and into my room.

Then for the second part of my plan I washed my hooded sweatshirt that I hid under my bed because I was going to wear it to school. I was also going to bring my gym bag and put the hammer and wrench in the gym bag and keep it in my locker until 10:30 when I would go get it and hide it under my sweatshirt before I went into the bathroom and then if they tried to put moms head in the toilet I could pull them from under my hooded sweatshirt and tell them to leave her alone.

So that night I washed my hooded sweatshirt in the sink and I hung it up to dry overnight in my closet. I wasn’t going to run around the block the next morning. When I woke up it was still wet so I took it into the bathroom and used my mom’s hair dryer to make it dry. It didn’t get totally dry but it was dry enough though. Then I took the wrench and the hammer out of the hamper in my closet where I hid them under some clothes. I put them in my gym bag and went to eat breakfast. After my mom told me where she would meet me at school and kissed me goodbye, I ran into my room and got the gym bag and walked out the front door.

At 10:30 the bell went off and I went into the hall and snuck to my locker. I ducked down and put the wrench and hammer under my hooded sweatshirt which I could smell still stunk from running because I didn’t wash it good enough. I walked to the bathroom and saw my mom walking toward me. I said mom please don’t come in the boys bathroom but she told me to go in and she would be in there in two minutes.

I walked in and went into a stall to pee because I get nervous peeing in front of other people. They kicked the door open and there were three of them today. One said good morning fat Ethan and just as they started to grab me my mom walked in and yelled at them to stop. Then she said she was taking them to the principal’s office. I mostly remember what happened next but I was confused. I remember one of them pushed her hard and tried to run but she caught him and pulled him back and then stood in front of the door to block it. Another one started yelling bad names at her. I said to shut up. He told me to shut up and then turned back to my mom. Things got loud and my heart started pounding as two of them tried to move my mom away from the door. I remember screaming and running toward them and then there was blood all over the place. Some of it squirted on my hooded sweatshirt and I wondered what I would run in tomorrow morning.

My mom was screaming and two of them fell down after they were screaming and then a teacher came in the bathroom and it got even louder in there. I dropped the hammer that was now silver, black and red and then I dropped the wrench and it had blood all over it too like my hands did. I was glad my mom was alright though. I knew I would save her if I ever had to.

One night when I was eight, mom came in my room and said she thought someone was outside trying to get in the house. I told her I would go look and she said no I should stay with her. I told her I wasn’t afraid because I was mad that maybe someone was going to try to hurt my mom. She smiled and said you love your mom don’t you? I said yes and she said will you always protect me and I said yes, yes I would.

I don’t know why I thought about my last day of school last night before sleep. I try not to think about it much and I try just to enjoy my days here at this place. I try to think of good things when I’m sad and miss my mom. I know my mom loves me. I don’t mind being here too much because it’s nice and would be real nice if I had my car magazine. I sleep really good here because I don’t have to cry. I just say my prayers and then lie down and say one more to God to thank him for making me special.

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