Finding Your Right Match In Love

You know that moment that you meet someone and there’s just a feeling. There are many things that you instantly find attractive: their smile, their hair, body, energy. Then you start talking to them and you like the way you feel when you’re around them. Their laugh is infectious and the conversation is seamless. Hopefully, there’s also some tension.

Basically, you’re hardcore vibing.

This is chemistry. It’s not necessarily just one thing but the whole experience of being physically around this person. It’s exciting, stimulating and downright as addicting as a drug. Ever listened to the song “Electric Love” by BØRNS?

“Baby you’re like lightning in a bottle
I can’t let you go now that I got it”

I’ve now caught myself at this stage many times with a person. I start to romanticize them and the relationship. I feel butterflies around them and every touch feels like an electric shock.

This is definitely an important thing to have with a partner. And while I’m an advocate for having good chemistry with someone, I’ve learnt that it’s not the same as compatibility.

Clinical Social Worker Terry Gaspard perfectly states: “Chemistry can help you weather the storms of life but compatibility enables you to set goals and find shared meaning in your relationship”

Or as I like to think of it:

Chemistry is the initial taste sensation of an incredible Indian curry, but compatibility is what keeps you full and satisfied.

The good news is, it’s possible to have both. Chemistry comes naturally, it’s compatibility that you have to evaluate a little further.

If you’re looking for a long-term match, the sooner you look for signs of compatibility, the sooner you can decide if it’s a good fit.

7 Areas to Explore Compatibility With Your Partner

Personal Growth and Development

This is one of the first things I notice as I get to know someone further. Just in virtue of having conversations about anything, I quickly learn where they are in their own personal development journey.

I recognize that I’m a work in progress, but I also want someone else to have that same level of self awareness and interest in growth.

It’s important to be at a similar level of personal development, or at least a share the desire to grow as individuals. If you’re both on the same page with this, it only compliments your relationship.

Common Interests

Sharing similar interests seems obvious but it’s something that we may overlook more that we recognize.

For example, maybe you’re somebody who loves to go camping, but you’ve met someone you’re interested in during the winter months. Summer comes and you are eager to plan a camping trip for the two of you when you learn that your romantic interest hates camping. How would you feel?

Sure…you like them and your chemistry is undeniable. But can you really picture a long-term future if they don’t share your intimate love for camping?

Everyone has their various interests, likes, dislikes. It’s nice to have your own individual hobbies and it’s good to compromise in some instances if several other factors are in alignment. You have to evaluate what you like and want to share with a long-term partner to forge a longer relationship.

Financial Priorities

It may come as no surprise that money is the leading cause of stress in relationships. Yet, so many couples struggle in communication when it comes to matters of money.

In the early on stages of dating someone new, money may not be as important of a topic. You might even worry about bringing up such a serious topic so as not to ruin how great things are going. But if you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship — you must bring up finances.

This doesn’t mean evaluating how much income you both make or what financial standing you’re in. But you should definitely be on the same page with what your priorities are.

Your ultimate compatibility will be highly influenced by your relationship to money. This includes spending habits, budget, attitude, desire to save, etc.

Because let’s be real. Money still makes the world go ‘round and it will make your relationship go ‘round if you don’t communicate about it early on.

Sex and Intimacy

Okay, you may be thinking — “But if we’re attracted to each other and our chemistry is off the charts, then we’re compatible sexually.”

You’re not necessarily wrong, there’s just more to this than the surface. Good physical chemistry is great in bed. But intimate, emotionally charged connections make for deeper intimacy, and a more meaningful, long-term relationship.

What happens after you’ve done the deed? Are you looking for some pillow talk? Cuddling? Intellectually stimulating conversation under the covers? You’ll want to ask yourself these questions if you wish to go beyond a sexual relationship.

Spirituality

Religious compatibility may not be important in the beginning phases of a relationship, but it will undoubtedly impact the trajectory.

Whether or not you’re very religious or spiritual, it’s important to determine what matters to you in this realm and how religious your partner is.

Friends and Family

If your TV guilty pleasure is The Bachelor, like me, then you might have watched Peter Weber’s recent season. In a nutshell, his family was very outspoken about their disapproval of his final choice.

Despite this public disapproval, during the live “After the Final Rose” segment, the couple made it clear that they cared about each other and were willing to work hard to make their relationship work.

*Spoiler Alert- it didn’t. But that’s besides the point.

Now, I think when friends and family enter the relationship, things get a little tricky. Maybe they aren’t giving your partner the best chance or perhaps you are unwilling to listen to their perspective.

Regardless, it may be difficult to sustain a long-term match if you’re not compatible in each other’s family lives and social circles.

Habits

Past the honeymoon stage of a relationships, habits and quirks really start to become more apparent. Once we take those “goo-goo” goggles off, we tune in a bit more to the day-to-day interactions and experiences with this person.

You might notice they fidget with their hair, they check their phone during dinner or maybe they don’t return the shopping cart.

The more time you spend with them, the more you get to know habits that you either find endearing, annoying, or disrespectful.

Generally, if you can’t get over habits that annoy you or you’re turned off by the ruder ones, you may need to go back to the dating pool.

If it’s a long-term love you’re looking for, you need a balanced mix of both chemistry and compatibility. You may just need to do a bit more work to discover how compatible you are in the above areas.

But it’s worth it to find a lasting love.