Karma Kurmudgeon: “3 Things Never to do With Your Money — Not Even on a Bet!”
I have a friend. I will call him George, because that’s his name. He is a bit cranky. He calls himself the “Karma Kurmudgeon,” because, well, he is.
He’s an accountant, and a financial guy, much like I am, and he asked me to post this for him. So here is The Karma Kurmudgeon, by George, writing about “The 3 Things Never to do With Your Money — Not Even on a Bet!”
Hi. I’m George, The Karma Kurmudgeon, and I write about money. I’m right about money, too, so listen up. Or, actually, look carefully at the pixels in front of you as they create squiggly lines in the shape of letters and numbers. Remember, Karma is a bitch. And I’m NOT that Chameleon guy who prances around the stage with a pony-tail and make-up singing all pretty. No. I’m The Karma Kurmudgeon, and if you want to piss me off, try to piss away your money. That will piss me off every time!
When the pixel squiggles you are looking at take the shape of “Money,” or even “$,” people have all sorts of reactions. Some go “Oooooh!” Some go “Aaaahhhhh…” And some of you — you know who you are — you freak out! Like, “OMG! Money!” And you freak out! Because you are reminded that you don’t have enough of it.
Why do you believe that you don’t have enough? Because you haven’t a friggin’ clue how much IS enough. THAT’s why. And THAT pisses me off, too.
In addition to being an Kurmudgeon, and also an accountant. I prepare tax returns for some people who get $12,000 refunds, only because they can’t get $13,000 refunds, but if they could, they would. But get this: the make less than $120,000 a year! Which means that the Government (“Gub’ment” to some of you) is keeping more than 10% of their money every year! And when they get it back in one big chunk, do you know what they do with it??? They SPEND it!!! And THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!!
I don’t mind people spending money, but they don’t have a clue how to make sure that they have more month left at the end of their money, and they end up as old people — if they are lucky — with more life at the end of their money, too. And THAT pisses me off!
Do you want a $12,000 refund? Here’s what you do: SEND ME MONEY. Seriously. Send me $1,000 a month for a year, and I will send you back $12,000. Because that’s what a refund IS!!!! The Gub’mint doesn’t send you money because they like you! They send you back your own money because you gave them too much in the first place!!!
The next time I hear someone say that “My retirement is a lottery ticket” — well, I remind you that “Kurmudgeon” rhymes with “Kur-bludgeon.” Let’s leave it at that.
So speaking of lottery tickets, lets get down to business. Here are the “3 things NEVER to Do With Your Money — Not Even on a Bet!!!”
There is no such thing as “a sure thing.” THAT’s why they call it “gambling.” I didn’t make that up. People have been saying that for years. Do you know why any casino or hustler is willing to bet with you? Because THEY WIN!!! That’s what they DO!!! The game is rigged in their favor!!! ALL of them!!! Whether you are at the racetrack or the blackjack table or the roulette wheel, the odds are that you will win some of the time, and they will win most of the time. How else can they afford to pay the dealers and the electric bill? Do you remember the movie where people couldn’t afford to go to Las Vegas so instead they just put their money into envelopes and mailed them to the casinos? That was a joke, but it might as well be true! And it PISSES ME OFF!!!
If you earn wages, and you are the “Wagee,” you BEST not “Wager.” This is YOUR money, but you are just giving it away. STOP IT!!!
3. PLAY POWERBALL!!!
Now we are back to lottery tickets. Can you believe that the Powerball jackpot went up to $1.5 BILLION dollars? Of course you can. You watched the news. And you probably BOUGHT TICKETS, DIDN’T YOU??? Yeah. You! You know you did. Not you, the other guy. Right. You. You know who you are. That’s right….
Do you have any idea how much that is? That’s 1,500,000,000 dollars. If you started counting that, and you counted 1 dollar per second, 60 dollars per minute, after about 10 minutes you would be bored out of your skull, so don’t try it. But it would take you years. Trust me on this.
Some people think, “Money is ‘magic!’” They think, “Someone’s gonna win. Why not me? It’s magic!” Well, brush the pixel dust the squiggly lines that make up THAT idea. Is money magic? Well, when Penn or Teller or David Copperfield chops a wad of $20’s in half, swallows them, and poops out bunch of Franklins, well, that shit’s magic. But that’s the only way money can be magic.
In order to have the jackpot be that ridiculously ginormous, do you know what had to happen? People like you had to BUY tickets. People had to buy MORE than $1.5 billion dollars in tickets in order for the jackpot to get that high. MORE than that!!! Because there is no such thing as an even money bet!!!
Do you know who does NOT play the Powerball??? RICH people. THAT’s who. How do you think they stay rich? By NOT buying lottery tickets!!!! THAT’s how!!!
Did you know that they call the lottery the “Poor Person’s Tax?” Oh, you did? Well, then you know that the reason is that poor people buy the tickets, and they CAN’T AFFORD IT!!! And it goes to the “Gub’mint!” And they squander the money on rich people!!! And THAT pisses me off!!!
Otherwise, chop some $20’s in half, swallow them, and see what comes out. Chances are that whatever it is, the chances are better than if you bought lottery tickets with them!!!
So don’t gamble. Not even on a bet. Because the odds are against you. All the time.
Now, some of you might think, “Boy, George, you are quite the Kurmudgeon.” And THAT will piss me off, because I’m NOT HIM!!!! Some of you will think, “George, you need to calm down. Some people have asked me, “Have you considered meditation?”
To them I answer, “Ohm, No.” Ohm, of course, is the symbol of resistance, which doesn’t make sense if you meditate, but that whole idea is Greek to me. Then again, if I was going to meditate, and I used a mantra, them’s the only chants I will take!!!