Five Things I learned While Working With the Edlerly

I was working at a house in New York City built in 1854 that my elderly client Betty was selling to live in a smaller apartment on the Upper West Side. Although Betty was almost blind, she was still sharp and we worked together emptying her house of 50 years’ worth of belongings. I sat next to her at her closing and helped her move into her new apartment. I learned sitting next to her at the closing and carefully listening to her as she emptied her apartment how it meant the world to her. She had spent 50 years in one place and was now moving in the latter part of her life. She led a rich life as a journalist, photographer, sculptor, and investor.

I learned a great deal from Betty.

I am a personal assistant who works with the elderly. I have done so for 25 years and each new client is a surprise. Another client named Gerardo was an elderly man with Alzheimer’s who had a rich adult life as a principal flutist with the New York City Opera.

I have discovered that the best ways to help clients can be counterintuitive; often, the biggest contribution I made was not the one that seemed logical at first.

I thought that I was there to help Geraldo function with daily living skills. It turns out Geraldo had a lot to teach me.

Here are some lessons that I learned from Gerardo and my other clients:

1. Don’t focus only on completing a task

My inclination was to help Gerardo complete tasks and get a result. It would be so easy to just do everything for Gerardo and my elderly clients. Gerardo and many like him need a different type of attention. Attention is the best word for a group of our population who feel neglected.

I would help Gerardo with the mail, as it was harder and harder for him over time to keep track of it over time. Gerardo would call me on the phone, scared about mail that came in and I would reassure him. He also said, “If ever I need to call you I can. Right?” He often did call me. Many times, he just wanted to be acknowledged. He loved that.

2. Listening patiently is key

Even if older adults have lost their ability to do some basic tasks, they know when you are listening. Gerardo would have a glow about him after he told me his stories of what happened so long ago. He had made some big contributions and wanted to remember those times.

Gerardo and others know when I was listening to his stories. I would listen to them over and over again. That makes such a difference to someone who doesn’t feel heard. Gerardo would catch an impatient look and ask, “Do I bore you?” I assured him I was interested and would listen more.

3. Having a sense of playfulness

While listening, I found he especially enjoyed being playful and bantering with of sense of humor. Later he would say joking and kidding with me kept him alive.

4. Helping someone be more self-sufficient

I encouraged Gerardo to check his mail, write his own checks, address the envelopes and throw out the mail. “We worked so hard,” he would say with a profound sense of accomplishment.

I take being self-sufficient for granted. Yet, Gerardo and many others doubt their ability to do these fundamental tasks and it’s not easy for them to give up being independent. When given the opportunity they can have a renewed faith in themselves.

5. Being both on time and consistent is key

Gerardo kept careful notice when I was on time. Even though you may think an elderly person has all the time in the world It is important to respect their time and show up punctually.

When I was simply by Gerardo’s side and in the moment acknowledging him, this gave him and many others a sense of belonging. All these seemingly simple things showed that I listened and cared.

That’s more of what we all really need.