Trump Glitch Threatens to Expose Deep Flaws in Controversial Whole-World Simulation Project
Computer Simulation: Earth
The Whole World Simulation Project (renamed CS:Earth after what the simulated “humans” call call their home “planet”) has only been online for a month, and already the project seems doomed, first by probability, and now by a bit of hastily-written code that has thrown the simulation into such chaos that what was created merely as a distraction may prove to be this project’s undoing: the Trump Glitch.
As predicted by our simulated-world simulator (and double-verified by our simulated-world-simulator simulator and our simulated-world-simulator-verification simulator), the first three weeks of the simulation consisted mostly of pre-human evolutionary activity, but once those simulated creatures hit the Industrial Revolution things really started to get out of control. By the way, the ability to adjust the relative time scale has been the key to this project’s success — a 56 billion:1 compression may seem fast, but try watching a solid month of nothing but single-cell reproduction. No thank you.
Things reached a crisis point early this week, when we detected a growing threat of Awareness, just as predicted by our simulated-self-awareness-prediction algorithms. Several humans, notably Hans Moravec and Nick Bostrom, were among the first simulated “humans” to guess at the true nature of their existence, but their observations were largely written off as an intellectual parlor trick. Eventually, however, observations about the “pixelization” of reality at a submicroscopic level soon began to spread via the simulated global communication networks and nearly caused us to have to reboot the simulation yet again.
And with this being the only simulated world to have survived past industrialization (we all know about the hundreds of thousands that ended prematurely due to asteroid strikes, war, pestilence, and assorted glitches — the “planet-eating Bulbasaur” being the most publicly humiliating), we felt it necessary to not so much interfere with the simulation as to tweak it slightly to create a suitable distraction. However, in doing so, we may have set our simulated world on a suicide vector, at least according to our simulated-world-potential-problem-prediction algorithm.
It’s inaccurate to describe what we did, as some in the media have, as simply “dialing up the totalitarian likelihood percentages” for several countries; what we in fact did was simply adjust the wealth-distribution and media-saturation algorithms for the United States and a couple of Western European nations in such a way as to make the threat of totalitarianism more likely, as predicted by our simulated-world-regime-prediction algorithm. To be clear; we weren’t aiming for actual simulated totalitarianism, we just needed to get close enough to distract the simulated beings from the true nature of their reality (as a side note, isn’t it ironic that the creatures refer to themselves as “human beings,” as if they somehow need to assert the reality of their existence — of course, as it turns out, they do).
Unfortunately, as the old saying goes, “shit in/shit out.” Toss some hastily-written, hacky code into a perfectly fine simulated universe, and out plops Donald Trump. To be any more obvious a sign of a computer glitch, he’d have to actually be a lizard, rather than simply sharing most of the traits of one. The fact that so many millions of people continue to support him when he literally glitches out in front of them every time he speaks is evidence that we may have, in fact, dialed up the totalitarian likelihood numbers, albeit unintentionally.
The Brexit Glitch alone could have exposed the flaws in the project, but there’s never any telling what those English will do (remember Dexys Midnight Runners?). But no one could mistake Trump for anything other than an obvious sign of data manipulation. Even without the verbal glitches there’s the hair, which was so clearly put there by a first-year programmer who couldn’t even code a mullet. I mean, come on.
The good news is, according to our simulated-world-apocalypse-scenario-prediction algorithm, even though a Trump victory would lead to economic collapse and an explosion of violence, not to mention a fifty-fold increase in carbon emissions and the eventual destruction of all human civilization, there’s a 99.999% probability that it was going to happen anyway inside a couple of centuries, which, in simulated universe terms, is only a couple hours.
The bad news, of course, is that our simulated-world-likelihood algorithm continues to insist there’s a 99.999% probability that this — the actual universe — is also a computer simulation. Furthermore, there’s a 55.4% probability that this universe is a computer simulation created in our own computer simulation, which means that we programmed them to program us badly, and I am nowhere near high enough to contemplate that.
Besides, if you ask me, the whole project is pointless. What would happen in a world where drugs are illegal? How stupid is that?