Wear Sunscreen: A Commencement Address to the Electoral College Class of 2016
Wow! It’s great to see all these young faces … well, maybe not so young, but all these faces, anyway … out in the crowd, starting out on this new chapter in their lives. In all of our lives.
Class of 2016, you have the privilege to do something I may never get to do in my lifetime. You get to vote for the president of the United States. Cool, huh?
Who would have thought that this revered institution, the Electoral College, brought to you by the good folks who gave us two-thirds rule, would still be around more than 200 years later? Am I right? Uh, abolitionists, I think you forgot something. But seriously …
Class of 2016, these are challenging times, and challenging times call for bold action. Are you ready to be bold? (Wait for cheers.) I … can’t … hear … you! (Wait for cheers.)
That’s more like it!
Ladies and gentlemen of the Electoral College, you have a choice. You can vote for the candidate your state tells you to. That’s what everyone expects you to do. But you don’t want to be predictable, do you? This country voted for unpredictability, and that’s what we need from the Electoral College right now. The country needs you to be unpredictable. We need you, Class of 2016, to follow your conscience.
Now let me remind you, the people of the United States have spoken, and they have overwhelmingly chosen their president. But, things aren’t looking good for her, am I right, Bill? Stand up, Bill. That’s Class President Bill Clinton, everyone. Give him a round of applause.
No, this is no democracy. You guys are expected to cast your ballots for the guy who got trounced. (Wait for boos.) Now, now. That’s not fair. That’s the way this thing works, and usually it’s no big deal. But it doesn’t have to work that way. The Constitution doesn’t say who you should vote for. So I say: vote … your … conscience.
Now if you’re conscience leads you to vote the person your state tells you to, then of course, that’s what you must do. If your conscience calls you to vote for a psychotic, narcissistic, misogynistic, xenophobic serial liar … If your conscience calls you to vote for a man who has surrounded himself with Neo-Nazi-stoking, psycho conspiracy-spreading blowhards … If your conscience calls you to vote for a thin-skinned, short-fingered, Twitter-happy tantrum machine … If your conscience calls you to vote for a man who’s cozy with the Kremlin (handy, since the Kremlin seems eager to see him win) … If your conscience calls you to vote for a man who’s, like, a smart guy but doesn’t bother to sit in on intelligence briefings that he wouldn’t believe anyway … if your conscience calls you to vote for THAT GUY, by all means, go ahead.
(If you have any questions about whether you have a conscience, please see your counselor after this address.)
But if your conscience calls you to vote for ANYONE ELSE … absolutely ANYONE ELSE …. any one of 7 billion people OTHER THAN THAT GUY … please, please, please, please, please vote for ABSOLUTELY … ANYONE … ELSE.
Now, if it sounds like I’m suggesting an elite cabal of party operatives collude behind closed doors to choose the leader of the free world, I want to assure you … wait a minute. My God, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting isn’t it? What the hell has happened to me?
THAT GUY has happened to me. A non-Democratic process is about to overrule the popular vote and put a deceitful kleptocratic oligarch into the Oval Office, a man who has no sense of ethics, no concerns about conflicts of interest, no worries about nepotism, no concerns that FOREIGN POWERS WORKED TO PUT HIM INTO OFFICE.
None of us out here can do anything about that. But you, Electoral College Class of 2016, YOU … CAN! You can do this. You can save us. This is the moment the founders prepared us for. This is the moment you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Save your country! Save your democracy! Pull the Constitutional escape valve! Yank the Hamiltonian ripcord! Vote your conscience!
And wear sunscreen! No, it won’t protect you against global warming, but if you vote for THAT GUY, nothing else will, either.