EAT. POOP. SLEEP. REPEAT: The Life of a Stay at Home Dog

Oh my dog, my belly is full since I had my mid-afternoon snack. Some dry food and some nice juicy, tasty, and delicious ham that my human brother bought at a huge building not so far from where I live. For some reason I just can’t get enough of that ham…I remember the first time I had that ham I was under the bed sleeping and all of a sudden the smell flowed through house when my human brother Dave opened a new bag of ham since it was his lunch time and I woke up and ran to the kitchen because I honestly wanted to find out if I was dreaming because the way it hit my nostrils and filled the air with its rich, and meaty thin cut slice of heaven was what I needed in my life as a young pup.

Anyways, its around that time now where I can feel and hear the high pitch squeaks from the tires of a man dressed in blue coming down the neighborhood. I hate that man, I hate him, I hate him mainly because everyday he comes and drops off paper at our door and leaves without saying “hi” or anything! Talk about being rude…Who goes and walks up to houses and slams the box outside the door, which makes a lot of noise by the way as he always seems to slam it shut. Anyways, I just think he is such a tease, like why drop off paper at our house? If he plans on robbing us while I am away at who knows where then he better take back all of his paper too. I feel like this man is a threat, and I know my other K-9 friends feel the same because once where hear he is parked outside a few houses down, we start barking to try to let him know to get out of here!

I can sense he is coming closer, so after having my mid-afternoon snack I noticed my human grandma left the front door open and had just closed the screen door so some air can come in. This gives me a better view for when he walks up to the box outside our house. So as I wait anxiously to see if the man in blue still has paper and still has the same color clothes on, I can now hear his footsteps pound on the cement…I am not sure why? Maybe he stepped in poop? I hear he is mad and keeps stomping his feet….Oh yeah he definitely stepped in poop, it wasn’t mine though. It must’ve been Tucker who lives down the street from me because his humans never pick up his poop as he does his morning stroll around the neighborhood.

I can hear him talk now, what a wierdo…Who talks with no one around? He is mad now and now I can smell his heavy cologne mixed with Tucker’s poop. Phew! So powerful…I don’t think he would be a good robber especially because he keeps talking to himself saying “Agh! I can’t believe it! Stupid dog poop on my shoes…”

Oh yeah! He is turning the corner now and I am ready…He stops talking now, haha good choice buddy because I am about to baarr-

Woah! Crap! I accidentally pushed on the screen door and my human grandma didn’t close it shut! The screen door flings open and I am free now. No barking needed as I decide to run out and chase this sucker!

As I am running towards the man in blue, he starts to run away and throws his bags of paper in the air.

YUCK! Also might I add his shoes are covered in poop. Phew…I’m just glad I didn’t step in it. Anyways, as I run on the sidewalk I can hear my K-9 friends root me on!

I AM GOING TO GET HIM!

I try snipping at his sock and leg but he keeps running in zig-zags. This man is good. As I am ready to leap and pounce on him, the man reaches for his keys and opens his car. I try my best to run and grab his shorts but the man is so skinny I bite his shorts and his legs fly out clean from his shorts. NOOOOO!

As I grab his shorts and my mouth is full of his blue and ugly shorts, he eventually gets in his car and locks himself in. I can’t believe I missed my chance.

However, as he drives off and I walk back to my house, I feel good knowing the man didn’t drop off any of his papers to the houses.