How To Be Relatable
If you can talk about your feelings, you can talk about anything.
Do you hold back when talking to strangers?
Are you always afraid you’re gonna say something awkward?
When was the last time you told someone how you really felt about something?
The word “relatable” gets that red squiggly line under it when I write it in Medium’s text editor. I had to double check and make sure it existed in the English language. Maybe it’s because people don’t use it very often. And that says something, doesn’t it?
When you’re relatable, it’s so easy to spark a conversation. Approaching anyone is far from being a hardship. In fact, you get pleasure from it. You feel less lonely and more present — all thanks to the person you just started interacting with.
Everyone wants to be understood. So if you give them the opportunity to show that they’re not alone, they feel valued. How great is that?
So, how do you do it? Here are some things I’ve learned anyone can do — those things that if you practice them, you will find that you and everyone else have a lot in common.
1 — Shift Your Attention
When we are thinking about the books we need to read, the courses we should sign up for, the kids we have to pick up at 3pm or meeting the deadline for that project, we automatically go to this head space that just feels… very lonely and worried.
You have problems and things you have to deal with. Everyone does. OK.
But there’s a chance you’ve identified yourself with your never-ending mental to-do list.
Maybe there’s a part of you that thinks your very life could be at risk unless you’re worrying about your problems 24/7.
And when we focus on our problems, we become un-relatable.
Our problems set up a wall. They set us apart. We begin to think we are different from others because our problems are exclusive. And we hold on to them, because they make us different.
What we don’t realize is that when we identify with our very-special problems, we are isolated. We are basically telling the world that we’re separate. No one can understand how a 17-year-old pregnant transgender polyamorous cyberpunk JavaScript programmer feels like. Because that is such a unique combination of traits, it would be impossible to relate to. It’s almost as if we’re trying to make sure we can hear from people: “It must be so hard to be you!”
Instead of latching on to the things that make your situation different, just shift all of your attention to the person right in front of you. Develop a sense of curiosity as to why the person is dressing that way. Why do they wear their hair like that? What are they communicating with their bodies, their gestures, and everything they are doing with their image? Why is this topic they’re talking about so meaningful to them? As you get better at doing that, start asking yourself these questions about everyone in the room you find yourself in.
And don’t try to make deductions and arrive at conclusions. Stay open. Just exercise that sense of wonder.
2 — Focus On The Feeling, Not The Topic
We just went over how everyone has their own story, their own identity, and their own problems. It’s unrealistic to think we can relate to someone when they are telling us something only they can perceive through their own perspective with their own heads using their own interpretations.
But there is a way you can be universally relatable.
Instead of trying to understand what is being said, focus on the feeling being expressed.
This applies to every single social interaction you have. Don’t worry about what you have to say next. There’s no point in trying to check your memory to find out what you have to say about sex shops, Donald Trump, mixing mojitos, the new Forever 21 Spring/Summer release; whatever the topic is, it’s not important.
The only important thing in a conversation is feeling understood.
Feeling connected.
And the only way you can realistically relate to someone is not through their opinions or through the story they are telling you. It is by the feeling they’re putting out through their choice of words, their gestures, the way they’re looking at you, at the room around you, at the way they’re sipping their drink, in the way they move their lips.
Everything you see before you is telling you something. Don’t try to understand things at an intellectual, “graspable” level. Start noticing how you’re feeling. How do you feel when you see them smiling? Are they really smiling?
Use your heart as a compass to guide you through your interactions. Be open to listen to e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g the other person is conveying through their expressions.
Try paying more attention to that in yourself! What is the feeling you’re putting out there when you’re talking to someone?
Just from this practice alone I managed to have conversations with… just about anyone. About all sorts of things. And people at least seemed happier after the interaction was over!
But What Will Happen If I Become More Relatable?
You tell me.
Just give it a try. Save the link for this article, come back, and tell me how it went. Or maybe tell me right now: what do you think will happen if you give this a try?
