How to Score a Date With Your Newly Elected Senator

Well the local midterms just wrapped up and you might be thinking, “Damn I just realized this guy/girl is actually kind of fine,” just like the many other proud registered American voters. And I mean you did your job. You took some time from your very busy schedule and actually went out and voted. Even if you weren’t that informed you did your civic duty and you should be proud of that.

But now to the issue at hand, how are you going to get enough of their attention where they’ll take you serious as a romantic interest? Especially if you didn’t even canvas for them?! You’re probably thinking even their unpaid interns have a better chance than you, but don’t worry I have a sure-fire guide on how to catch yourself a Senator (just like Angela in the hit show The Office.)

First you’re going to need to find out what policies they ran on and see if you fall into one of the demographics specifically affected. If the Senator is a democrat you’re in luck because that means you can perfectly execute “The Nurse’s Effect.” This is a psychological condition popularized in the hit movie, Back to the Future, wherein people tend to fall in love with people that they feel responsible for taking care of and need their attention. People want to feel needed and anyone running as a democrat is definitely in dire need of the reassurance that other people need their help and can’t take care of themselves. So as long as you act like weak and awestruck by them you’re sure to at least start getting their attention.

However if your new Senator bae is republican this tactic definitely wont work because they’re not interested (romantically) in the people they say they’re trying to help. No way. They’re looking for something, err someone, to show off to the rest of America. Keep in mind this Article is for the real America, so if you’re already a hot number I assume you already know what to do and will have a wholly different plan of attack. I only bring this up because that would be one of two things your right wing snacc is looking for, the other would be one of the groups of people they are criticized for marginalizing (whether you believe this to be true or not is entirely up to you). So if you fall under this category showing them any amount of affection will probably surprise them and they know parading around someone like you will surely draw envious and hate filled eyes from their colleagues, but more importantly from liberals. There might be some contempt aimed at you too from your own, still there’s no cost too high for true love.

If you feel like you don’t fit into one of the descriptions I’ve outlined I’m not sure what to tell you. Maybe having a personality will work but I really doubt it, you’re probably fucked. However that where all the people that ran for office and lost come in, they’re desperately looking for someone to tell them that they’re still special. So all hope shouldn’t be lost

Moving on to the rest of you that fall into the people that I have outlined, which I assume is most of you since I’m writing this for the real America, this next step is crucial. Everyone that runs for senate falls into one of these few catagories; They’re mad about where this country is heading, they feel underrepresented, or they truly just love this country.

I’m of course just kidding. The only people that for senate are egomaniacs that need constant attention, reassurance that they’re always right, and need someone to tell them that they’re the smartest person in the room. That’s where you come in, all you need to do once you get their attention is constantly tell them they’re extremely important. The tough part here is that with the amount of hype this midterm election has had, they are in no short supply of this kind of attention.

That’s why if you really want to score a date with this newly elected senator you’re going to have to be even louder than all the people on social media. I believe in you though. I believe that once you get your opportunity you will pounce the like real animal you are and secure the bag. Don’t let anyone get in your way. You need to need to find a way to differentiate yourself from all the other people constantly giving them praise. Your main competition is going to be the DNC/GOP, their constituents, and their mom. Fuck them, you deserve this. You have something that none of them can give. Your dignity, because if you’re as serious about this as I hope you are, you will do anything.

So once you’ve gotten their attention and become part of their inner circle I need you to fly out to D.C while there’s an important vote, whether it be the budget, immigration, or LGBTQ rights. Who cares, but once you’re there go to the steps of the capitol building and just live in the movies profess your love for them in one big act of love that culminates in you asking them on a simple date. And just like in the movies I can promise you that they will be moved to tears and accept your offer.

Well folks that all you need to do, pretty simple. You may be asking who am I to be giving all this advice. Lets just say that I’m just someone that really wants you to get what you deserve. Once you get that date don’t feel the need to thank me. Just remember I’m here in your corner, rooting for you the whole way. Good luck